“I suppose I should thank you,” I said, a bitter laugh slipping through my lips.
He held his silence for a beat, then whispered, “Thank me?” His voice was rougher than I’d ever heard it, devastated and lacking any of his typical self-assurance.
Good. He should be broken too.
“I thought that I was strong, that my walls were impenetrable, until you came into my life and proved just how weak I really was. I actually thought I was safe with you,” I laughed mirthlessly, looking up at the stars painted across my ceiling. “Sothank you, Finn, for showing me my own fragility. I’ll be sure not to make the same mistakes in the future.”
“Bee–” he started.
I cut him off. “Don’t. You don’t get to call me that anymore.”
His eyeswere glassy with unshed tears, full of hopeless resignation.
Nodding, he took a step back, out of my space, and turned his eyes to stare at the floor.“I’m sorry, Brooklyn,” he whispered. “You have no idea how many times I tried to tell you…how close I came–”
“Close only counts in hand grenades and horseshoes, Finn.”
“I know that,” he said, reaching up to run his hands through his hair. “But how do you find the words for something like that? How do you tell someone that you’ve spent your whole life looking for them?” He laughed, a bitter sound escaping his lips. “Brooklyn, since we were separated as kids, I’ve been trying to track you down. I begged my adoptive parents to go back for you, to let me call you or even write to you. By the time they relented and I called the group home, you were already gone. Eva wouldn’t tell me anything. Your adoption files were sealed; I never thought I’d actually find you. And then, one random Tuesday afternoon two years ago, I typed your name into a Facebook search engine andbam! There you were.”
I thought about the long-dormant social media account Lexi had insisted on setting up for me when we’d been accepted to the university. She’d posted a photo of the two of us wearing new matching college sweatshirts that advertised the university logo in proud orange across the front. I wondered if that was how Finn had tracked me down.
SinceI’d never really used the site, I’d assumed it would deactivate after such a long period of inactivity. Apparently, all that preaching my professors did about permanent Internet footprints really was true after all; Facebook is forever.
“I knew it was you immediately – you were beautiful as a little girl, and you’re even more gorgeousnow… those eyes, that smile. There was no denying it was you.” Finn continued. “But I still needed to see that you were okay, Brooklyn. I’ve worried about you for years. You have to understand, when I got adopted, when I left you…I felt like I’d abandoned you. And I knew I’d never put that to rest until I’d seen you again, face to face.”
“So, when you found me, what then? Was the plan to screw me back to normal? To fix me with the sheer will of your penis?” I bit out. “You could have checked on me and walked away, without speaking one single word to me. I wasfinebefore I met you. The only thing you’ve done is fuck me up even worse than I was before.”
“It wasn’t like that, Brooklyn,” Finn said, anger infusing his tone. “I never planned on this – on us. I didn’twant to fall in love with you, any more than you expected to fall for me. I transferred here when I learned you’d be attending last fall. But did you see me at all, your entire freshman year? No. I didn’t approach you. I didn’t mess with your life. I was just there, in the off chance that one day you’d need help – that you’d needme. I wasn’t about to fail you again, regardless of whether you even knew I existed.”
I didn’t know what to say to that. He’d transferred herefor me? That was crazy. Not the good crazy either – the stalkery, obsessive kind of crazy I wanted nothing to do with.
“I think you should leave now,” I said, backing away from him.
“Bee…Fuck!” He buried his hands in his hair. “Please don’t be scared of me. I’m so fucking sorry I didn’t tell you sooner. I tried, so many times. I just couldn’t find the words. That day, when you fell over that hydrant and hit your head – it seemed like fate. You were right there in front of me, injured and needing help. I thought maybe I could get close to you, just to be your friend. I swear my intentions never went further than that.
“But I fell in love with you, Brooklyn. I can’t pinpoint the exact moment I realized that you were everything that was missing in my life, but I knew – just like I had when I was a ten year old kid – that I couldn’t be without you anymore. Still, I tried to push you away, tried to keep boundaries between us when I realized that you didn’t remember me...But I just couldn’t stay away from you.”
“Finn, this…it’s just so messed up,” I whispered, at a loss.I was way, way out of my emotional depth. I wasn’t just swimming in the deep end, here – this was the freaking Mariana Trench.
“I know that, okay? I know how fucked up we are. With you, it’s one step forward, and three monumental fucking leaps back. But I also know that you can be incredibly sweet when you aren’t too busy slapping me, or glaring at me, or hating my guts.”
At that, Iglared at him and crossed my arms over my chest.
“You don’t want anyone to take care of you – I get that. I respect it, even,” he continued, heedless of my glare. “But sometimes, behind that icy, impenetrable front you show the rest of the world, I catch a glimpse of that fiercely vulnerable, heartbroken little girl who still needs me. And I like that I’m the only one who gets to see her and protect her.
“I know this is a lot to think about – I know you probably hate me. And maybe it makes me a total bastard, butyou should know that I don’t regret a single second of our time together, Brooklyn. With or without the lies, this relationship has been – and always will be – the most important, beautiful, goddamned sacred part of my life. And I’ll wait for you – as long as it takes, I’ll wait.”
I’ve already been waiting forever.He’d said those words before and I hadn’t understood them at the time, but I comprehended them perfectly now.
“I need time, Finn,” I said. “I feel broken, betrayed, confused, and frankly just…exhausted by this. I don’t want to lie to you or give you false promises that everything is okay between us. None of this is okay –Iam not okay.” I dragged a deep, calming breath in through my nose. “I need to be alone right now.”
“Ican understand that,” he said, nodding. I thought I saw a flicker of hope flash through his eyes as he stared at me.
“I’m not saying this to hurt you because, as insane as it sounds, I believe your story. But that doesn’t change anything. For right now I don’t want to see you. I don’t want to hear from you. And I can’t promise that I willeverbe ready to be with you again.”
He nodded, his jaw clenched tight and the hope in his eyes extinguished.
“Goodnight, Finn,” I said, walking over to my bedroom door and opening it. “Use the front door this time, will you? Your hands are torn to shreds.”