“What does that mean, exactly?”What had he expected?
“Never mind. Now, can I hop on, or are you planning to drive and completely emasculate me on my own motorcycle?”
I laughed and slid backwards, making room for him to take over the controls. Hesitantly, I wrapped my arms around his torso as we raced into the autumn night. The sun slipped below the horizon and the fallen maple leaves, stirred into a fluttering vortex by our tires,settled onto shadowed streets.
Chapter Five
Too Perceptive
The anniversary of my mother’s murder loomedbefore me. It was unavoidable, creeping up on me each year and casting my already gloomy world even deeper into shadows. Like standing at the base of an impossibly tall skyscraper, I could crane my neck in any direction trying to avoid it, but in the end the imposing steel-glass tower would dominate even the sun’s presence and obstruct my view of the sky completely.
My nightmares were always worse during the weeks leading up. Their intensity left me shaken and weak, effortlessly transporting me backfourteen years to become the blood-soaked six year old in a crumpled SUV. Some nights I dreamed about the hospital, instead: doctors and nurses conferring in hushed tones, the whirring of machines, too many wires and IVs hooked into my pale, broken body to count. It got harder to slow my racing heart and release the viselike pressure in my lungs – more difficult to shove the memories back into the dark recesses of my memory.
Functioning on even less sleep than usual, I doubled both my caffeine intake and my sassiness. Lexi tried to pry information from me about my unexpected late-night motorcycle ride withFinn, as well as give me a detailed account of her latest Tyler sexcapades, but I lacked any patience to indulge her. I could barely tolerate some of her stories in my most rested state, let alone after a sleepless night. The dark circles lining my eyes were a perpetual testament to my lack of sleep, but Lexi didn’t seem to notice or heed their warning to give me space.
Truthfully, I didn’t want to talk to Lexi aboutFinn because I knew I’d never hear the end of it. She’d overanalyze and make it a much bigger deal than it was. And though I might admit tomyselfthat I’d been taken aback by the night I’d spent with him, I would never share that fact with Lexi.
Finnhad surprised me. He drove off campus for almost an hour without saying much of anything or giving me any indication as to where we were going. My ever-cynical mind had just begun to wonder if this drive into the darkening woodlands was a ploy to kill me and stash my body where it would never be found, when Finn pulled off the winding road and out onto a highway lookout point. He hopped off his bike and walked to the thin, rusted guardrail, where he could look down at the lazily flowing river just discernible in the growing dusk. I dismounted and followed him warily.
“Why are we here,Finn?” I asked, curious and slightly confused about our location. This was the last place I’d expected a leather-clad, tattooed bad boy to spend his nights. There were no other cars on the road, no streetlights, and no signs of civilization; this place had been neglected for years, if the corroded rail and cracked pavement were any indication.
“Shh,” Finn whispered without looking back at me. “Do you hear that?”
I couldn't hear much of anything except for the buzzing of a nearby mosquito, eager to make a meal of me, and the faint trickling of water as it flowed over the mossy stones in the riverbank.
“What am I supposed to be hearing?” I asked skeptically.
“Nothing,” he said, turning to glance at me as I joined him at the railing. “Just the quiet. I come here to think sometimes. Clear my head.”
I looked away from him, trying to process that bit of incongruous information. I didn’t really want to know that there were other sides to the beautiful man standing next to me. I wanted him safely in the box labeledNarcissistic AssholesI kept in storage in my mind. He certainly wouldn’t lack for company in that particular box.
But now, he wasn’t really fitting, no matter how hard I tried to close the lid on him. I couldn't entirely merge the asshole he pretended to be with this guy quietly enjoying the tranquility of nature. The vapid self-obsessed typicallydon’t appreciate much except their own reflections in the mirror. He, on the other hand, was complicated. And I didn’t like complicated; I liked my mental storage boxes – clearly labeled, organized, and easy to handle.
Though unspoken, it was clear that we weren’t leaving until I’d satisfactorily appreciated his river vantage point. I studied the view from our perch, which hung about thirty feet above the riverbank, and had to agree that it was calming – soothingly beautiful in a way that only the outdoors can be. The ceaseless flow of the inky river numbed my mind and as I focused on my surroundings, I quieted the relentless worries racing around my head. For the first time in weeks, I wasn’t focused on the approaching anniversary of my mother’s death; my mind was blissfully clear.
There was no light out here except that cast by thenearly full moon and the stars above, infinite in number and even more beautiful than they appeared from my rooftop at home. After a few minutes of silent appraisal, I began to understand why this place was so special to Finn.
It was his rooftop.
That abruptly led to another thought – why had he broughtmehere, to his sanctuary? He barely knew me. How could he know I’d even enjoy something like this? I certainly couldn't imagine him taking one of his bimbo-groupies all the way out here.
“Why did you bring me here?” I whispered, reluctant to break the quiet that had descended on us. He looked over at me, his dark eyes trapping mine immediately, almost hypnotically. Long seconds dragged by as his gaze burned into mine, unblinking; I wanted to look away,to break from the intensity of that look, but somehow I couldn't. His eyes flashed briefly down to my mouth before returning to stare into mine. I gazed back guardedly, trying to discern his intentions.
I thought he wasn’t going to answer me at all, but after several more heartbeats he cleared his throat and finally fractured the silence.
“I just knew you’d get it,” he said, shrugging and finally moving his penetrating stare back to the river below. “You getme.”
I didn’t like his answer. It implied a level of understanding, of closeness, that we didn’t share.He didn’t know me; no one did – not my closest friend and certainly not my father. Finn was dangerous, I decided. Perceptiveness was not a quality I encouraged in those I spent time with.
I grew uneasy, the tension I’d cast off when we’d first arrived slowly creeping back up my spine and reclaiming its viselike grip.Finn seemed to sense my growing unease, suddenly pointing down the riverbank to divert my attention.
“Fireflies,” he said, drawing my gaze to the glowing orbs darting through the grassy frondsthat lined the banks. A small smile curled one side of his mouth up as he watched the phosphorescent bugs light up the sky. “They’ll be gone soon.”
“Why?”I asked.
“They’re only ever out in the summer months. This is probably one of their last nights, it’s getting too cold.” Asoft laugh slipped between his lips. “I used to catch them in glass jars when I was a kid, just to look at them up close for a few minutes before letting them go. I’d sit out in the field behind my house all night, waiting for them to appear. Sometimes they didn’t. But when they did, it was like magic, you know? Like a sign that there was something more out there for me, and maybe if I was patient enough I could have it.”
I watched the lightning bugs in silence for a few minutes, unsure of what to say. I was stunned that he was opening up to me; I hadn’t asked him to, nor did I intend to reciprocate. I didn’t do the whole heart-to-heart, lets-bond-over-our-troubled-childhoods thing. But Iwascurious.