And, the real question: did I want it to?
Because those memories, though they gave me pain, were a part of us. A part ofme.
Maybe I wasn’t the kind of girl who wanted a simple love, with the joys of shared conversations and mutual interests. Maybe I didn’t want Valentine’s Day cards, a chore wheel to split up domestic tasks, or nothing-fights in the supermarket about whether or not there was any laundry detergent left at home.
No.
Maybe instead, I wanted the kind of love that devastates you. The kind that rips your insides open and leaves you gutted, out in the cold. Maybe I wanted that great, epic, once-in-a-lifetime love, that consumes with the brightest of flames. And maybe, even though I knew the hottest fires often burn out the fastest, even though it couldn’t last… it was worth it.
People say love isn’t supposed to be painful. But maybe the best things in life are the ones that hurt the most after they’re gone.
***
The next day at work was better and worse, all at once.
It was better because Sebastian wasn’t there. Whether his absence had anything to do with our scene on the table after hours last night, I had no idea — and, frankly, I didn’t want to. Seeing him would only add to the tangled bird’s nest of thoughts and emotions I’d yet to begin to unravel.
It was worse because, without Sebastian there to rein her in, Cara was more demanding than ever. After another morning spent doing coffee runs for her and her friends — seriously, pumping that much artificial vanilla sweetener into a latte couldnotbe good for you — Cara decided that I could run the rest of her errands while I was at it.
“Here’s my grocery list,” she said, staring down at me from her perch on a director’s chair in the fitting area. “Go to Whole Foods, then bring everything to my apartment. My address is on the list. I’ve already called the concierge — he’s expecting you.” She smiled at me, extending the list with one manicured hand.
“I’m not doing your grocery shopping, Cara.”
“What’s that?” she asked. “Did I hear someone protesting? Because I’m pretty sure I have your boss’ number right here in my phone. Want me to call her? Give her a little progress report on your work ethic?”
I glared at her, watching as her finger scrolled through her contact list and hovered over Jeanine’s name.
“I’m sure she’ll be upset to hear about your performance as aLusterrepresentative.” Cara shook her head in faux sadness. “Such a shame for you to lose your job over a little laundry.”
“Laundry?” I bit out between clenched teeth.
“Oh, yes. I’ll need you to pick up my dry cleaning as well. Didn’t I mention that before?” She smiled at me maliciously.
“No,” I snapped, snatching the sheet of paper from her grasp. “You didn’t.”
“My mistake.” Her tinkling laugher filled the air, mocking me. “I’d hurry up, if I were you. It’s already past noon, and you’ve got a full day of errands to keep you busy!” She clapped her hands together excitedly, like a giddy child.
I turned to go, defeated. Cara might look like a total bimbo, but apparently she possessed enough brains to blackmail me. If she called Jeanine, I had no doubt I’d be out of a job. And no job meant no paycheck, so I’d be out of my apartment and living on the streets in a matter of weeks.
She had me cornered, and she knew it.
I’d gotten about five feet from her when her voice rang through the air, loud enough to draw attention from nearly everyone on the floor.
“Lux!”
I turned and faced her, filled with foreboding. Her expression was gleeful, but her eyes showed a deep malice. I wasn’t sure what I’d done to this girl, besides accidentally drop a salad she likely had no intention of ever consuming, but she seemed to hate me a great deal.
“I forgot to put condoms on the grocery list. Would you be a dear and swing by Duane Reade to grab some? Oh, and Seb—” She broke off, grinning at heraccidentalslip up. “Myboyfriendhas been practically insatiable for the last few days, so make sure it’s the jumbo pack.”
Her words were a kick to the gut. I nodded robotically and turned on my heel, so I didn’t have to look at her anymore. An icy weight dropped like a stone into my stomach and my limbs felt leaden and uncoordinated, as though my neurons had frazzled and the entirety of my system was shutting down.
I made it to the elevator on autopilot, trying my best to tune out Cara’s triumphant laughter. When the doors closed behind me, I leaned back against the mirrored wall and forced deep breaths into my lungs. I hated how much her words had affected me, but the thought of him going home to Cara after what had happened between us last night made me feel physically ill.
The worst part, though, was that Cara had only been toying with me — piling on one more degrading task to my list of chores. She wasn’t even aware how deeply her words would cut or how very personal her attack had been. If she ever found out about my past with Sebastian, I could only imagine the extent to which she’d go to torture me.
I prayed that day would never come as I hailed a cab and headed off for an afternoon of errands.