My lip began to tremble and a sob rattled in my chest. “Don’t you dare start being nice to me, Jamie,” I ordered in a shaky voice. “Then I’ll know you’re saying goodbye, and I’ll kill you myself. I swear it.”
He laughed, but it soon turned into a cough. I raced to his bedside and held his hand until the fit abated.
“I’m not saying goodbye,” he said. “Not yet. But I am saying this, while I still have the strength left…”
Jamie’s eyes met mine, and his gaze held no trace of his usual jesting.
“You are going to live a long, happy life without me,” he began, setting my tears off again. “You’re going to get old and fat, pop out a couple of babies — one of which better be named Jamie which, conveniently, is gender-neutral — and marry a guy you love so much it makes you dizzy. You’re going to be sad for a while. But, eventually, you’re going to find a way through this. Because you, light of my life, will someday find that person who’ll do for you what you’ve done for me all these years — put you first, no matter what.”
I was a sniveling, weeping mess.
“Come here, cry baby,” Jamie said, extending thin arms to offer an embrace. I readily accepted, leaning against his chest and wrapping careful arms around him. I wept for several minutes and Jamie was silent, the only sounds in the room those of my muffled cries against his hospital gown and the faint whirring of machines as they pumped life into my brother.
“I’m the one with cancer,” Jamie eventually huffed, teasing me even in his darkest hour. “I don’t know whyyou’recrying.”
I lifted red-rimmed eyes to meet his. “You’re terrible.”
“I know.” He grinned. “Promise me something?”
“Anything,” I whispered.
“Be selfish for a while. Think of yourself, instead of everyone else. Find a way to be happy again. Not for me, or for our parents, or for some guy. Be happy just for you. Do the things that give you joy, that put a smile on your face. And don’t let anyone else’s needs get in your way. You deserve to know what joy feels like, sis.”
“I’ll be happy if you promise not to leave me,” I murmured, my voice a hollow shell. “I can’t do this without you, Jamie.”
“You can, and you will.” His voice was solemn. “Because, if you don’t, I’ll make sure to haunt you from the great beyond.”
I glared at him.
“I mean it,” he scoffed. “If you spend your next few years wallowing in memories of all that you’ve lost, you’ll miss out on all the good things I want for you in this life. I know there’s darkness in this world, Lux. Shadows and grief and unimaginable pain. But there’s also love and light and laughter.” Jamie squeezed my hand as tight as he could, his waning strength making even that small gesture a great task.
“Don’t dwell in the darkness, sis. Live in the light.”