“Just that I can’t picture him flipping out over this. He’s far too even-keeled.”
“I’m not so sure about that,” I murmur, the memory of the morning after the wrap party flashing through my head. I’ll never forget the look of rage on his face when he threw that tray against the wall. My Viking is a frozen river — solid at the surface, but wild underneath. “He’s got a temper.”
Harper stares at me, a knowing light creeping into her eyes. “Kat… what did he say?”
I avert my gaze, feeling guilty. “I, uh… haven’t exactly told him yet.”
“WHAT?!” she explodes.
“There wasn’t a good moment!”
“There willneverbe a good moment to drop this bomb on him. That doesn’t mean you don’t have to drop it — sooner, rather than later.”
“Maybe I don’t have to tell him this instant, Harper. I don’t even know what I’m doing about thegrapesituation yet. I don’t know if I’m ready for the grape to turn into a kumquat or a mango or a potato or worse, an actualbaby, okay?”
“Potatoes aren’t fruit,” Masters chimes in.
“Helpful, Masters, thanks so much for the contribution,” I snap.
He smirks.
“My point is, I shouldn’t tell him until I’ve decided how I feel about this situation.” I sigh. “I haven’t made up my mind about what I’m doing.”
“Honey…” Harper shakes her head. “Yes, you have.”
“How can you say that,” I cry incredulously. “How can you know what I’m going to do, when I don’t even know myself?”
“Because I knowyou,” she says softly. “Do you realize, every time we talk about this pregnancy, your hands creep to your stomach, like you’re cradling that little life inside you?”
“That’s nothing. That’s just—”
“And do you realize,” she barrels on. “That you gave up alcohol and caffeine — two of your favorite pastimes — without blinking, the minute you found out you were pregnant?”
“But, I didn’t—”
“And furthermore, do you realize that you are already so hugely protective of thetiny dictator, as you are so fond of calling it, that knowing you were pregnant was what finally enabled you to turn your back on your own awful mother?” Her voice gentles. “Honey, you told me you were never more sure it was the right decision to walk away from Cynthia than when you realized she might someday influence your child if you let her stay in your life. That’s called a protective maternal instinct.”
“But…” My whisper is weak. “But…”
“I think you want this baby.” Harper’s voice is quiet. “And I think that scares the shit out of you. Because as scary and terrifying as it would be tonotwant this baby, to actually exercise your legal right to choose — which, by the way, I am in no way against, should you ever change your mind — I think you’re more afraid of giving up a chance at something that could be really great.” She pauses. “Scary as hell, definitely… but also really great.”
“Every minute of every day, I am terrified.” I bury my head in my hands. My words shake. “I’m terrified to want this. I’m terrified I’ll be bad at it. I’m terrified I’ll turn out like my mother. I’m terrified of telling Wyatt and watching him walk away. I’m terrified to do this alone. I’m terrifiednotto do this. I’m terrified of how it will change my life.I am terrified.”
“Welcome to motherhood,” Harper says wryly. “My mom used to say if you aren’t afraid you’re screwing it up, you’re not doing it right.”
I’m quiet for a moment. “This… this….thing… has already changed my life so much, and it’s the size of a freaking fruit. What’s it going to be like when it’s an actual baby?”
“I don’t know. But I know you. And I know you’re never one to run from a fight, Kat Firestone.” She smiles. “You can do this. If you want to do it, you can. I have no doubts.”
My smile wavers.
“You still have to tell Wyatt, though,” she insists. “And, you also have to tell…”
She doesn’t finish the thought, but we both know exactly what she was about to say.
Grayson.
God, I don’t want to think about that possibility. Not yet. Because, while there’s a slim chance Wyatt won’t freak out when I tell him, there is literallyzero chancethat Grayson won’t melt down when he hears this news.