He’s not here. We aren’t together. I don’t deserve him.
But that doesn’t change a damn thing. My choice is made. The thumping organ inside my chest has finally sworn its allegiance, and I fear there is no going back.
Love isn’t some unavoidable destiny, some fate you can’t sidestep. It’s a choice you make — and keep making — every day of your life.
His arms, so safe, so strong. A home, made of flesh and bone.
His eyes, so blue, so bottomless. A whole future in their depths.
No instant, inexplicable connection or unhealthy co-dependence. Just a story about two people who choose to be together — not because they have to, but because they want to. Even when it’s hard. Even when the whole world is stacked against them.
I don’t need him.
If I never feel his touch again, never kiss his lips or grip his hips as he thrusts into me in slow, delicious strokes, never run my hands through his hair or know the joy of making him laugh… I will survive. The world will not stop turning. My heart will not stop beating.
Years will pass, I will ache with each moment without him, but still, I will survive. Hollowed out, perhaps, but still breathing. Still living. Still existing.
I. Don’t. Need. Him.
…But I want him.
I want him more than anything I’ve ever wanted in my life. Regardless of the mess I’ve made, regardless of the fool I’ve been, regardless of Grayson and Caroline and the tiny dictator and the press tour and all the other seemingly insurmountable factors in my life…
I choose him.
“There’s no need to yell, baby.”
The sound of his voice so close behind me, so full of hope and wonder and heartache, makes me go still. It is a bullet of calm fired through a night of chaos. It tears through me, a devastating death strike. My clutch purse tumbles to the terrace, my cellphone slips out of my grip. I don’t bend to retrieve them. I whip around, barely breathing, barely allowing myself to believe it might be real. Telling myself I’m going crazy, because there’s simply no way he’s actuallyhere.
But he is.
Ten
“Iwas toldthere would be cake.”
- An unwilling plus-one at a wedding.
He stands there, five feet away, ruining me without a single word.
It seems there are a million miles to traverse in that short distance as I stare into his eyes, locked on mine behind a simple black satin mask. He’s dressed in a tuxedo tailored so sharply he looks like a magazine model, but I barely notice. My eyes are on his, and we’re having another of our wordless conversations.
You’re here,I drink in the sight of him.I can’t believe you’re here.
His mouth tugs up at one corner.Of course I’m here.
My voice shakes almost as badly as my knees. “I didn’t see you inside.”
“I know.” His voice is carefully empty. He doesn’t close the gap between us.
“Did you see me?”
His eyes answer.I always see you, Katharine.
My heart is pounding. “I needed some air.”
He nods, saying nothing.
“I also… ” I take a breath and string the words together. “I wanted to call you. I left a message.”