“You can tease, but my point is, we aren’t meant to be happy all the time. I think we need sadness and pain and horror, otherwise all the joy we experience means nothing. If you never feel fear, you can’t be courageous enough to overcome it. If you never have your heart broken, you have no barometer to measure the biggest love of your life. Without the dark, there’s no light.”
For some reason I can’t look at her while I say these things without feeling like a total fraud. I stare at my hands instead and pretend not to notice the way my words shake when I continue.
“That’s the biggest difference between someone like Grayson… And someone like Wyatt.”
Harper sucks in a surprised breath. I’ve broken our unspoken rule. I’ve mentioned the unmentionable.
Wyatt.
I ignore her. “Grayson acts like there’s nothing but sunshine in the world, ignoring the shadows altogether, like he thinks they might disappear if he pretends long enough. But Wyatt…” My voice gets so soft it’s almost inaudible. “Wyatt knows the shadows are there. He recognizes just how much darkness consumes this world. And every single day he makes an active choice to see the flip side. The light.He chooses sunshine.”
Harper is quiet, saying nothing.
I try to gather my thoughts, but they seem more scattered than ever. “For a long time, I thought I was only worth a certain type of guy — a certain type of love. I’ve dated asshole after asshole, thinking they were mytype, but maybe the truth is… I just didn’t value myself enough to ever ask for something —someone— better. Maybe girls pick bad boys over good guys because there’s something inside them that assumes being treated poorly is no more than they deserve.”
Harper smiles sadly. “Honey, I’ve been telling you that for years. You deserve someone who treats you like you walk on water; instead you’ve been settling for guys who wouldn’t buy you a freakingbottleof water if you were dying of thirst.” She grabs my hand and squeezes. “And trust me, I’d have kicked your ass for it a long time ago, if I thought it would’ve made any difference at all.”
“Nice.” I laugh.
“True, though.”
“I know. Self-esteem isn’t something you can borrow like a pair of jeans and give back when you don’t need it anymore. You have to stitch it together for yourself, thread by thread.”
“At the risk of sounding like a pushy know-it-all—”
“Are you ever anything else?” I snort.
She glares at me. “As I was saying… at the risk of possibly overstepping… I think the reason you fell for Grayson is the same reason you haven’t let yourself fall for Wyatt. Deep down, despite all the progress you’ve made, you don’t think you’re good enough for him. And, frankly, it’s really starting to piss me off.”
I flush. “You don’t understand—”
“Katharine Firestone. I understand. I understand perfectly. You think you’re toxic. You think you break people. But Wyatt Hastings is not a man easily broken. He’s a Norse god with a casual billion-dollar net worth, for christ’s sake. He’s an extremely successful executive producer. He’s thirty-five — a grown assmanwho knows exactly what he wants. And, what he wants is you.”
“But I hurt him—”
“So apologize.”
“I’ve tried.”
“Say it again. Say it until he hears you.”
“Maybe he doesn’t want to hear me.”
“Of course he does! He loves you, you idiot!” Harper looks like she’s about to smack me. “He loves you. And I think… I think, if you let yourself…” She doesn’t finish the thought. She doesn’t need to, when she sees the tears glossing over my eyes.
“I don’t know how to fix it. He’s with Caroline. And there’s other stuff, complicated stuff…” My hand creeps to my stomach. “I have no idea if it’s even possible to fix it. If there’s even anything left to fix.”
“You’ll never know if you don’t try, honey.”
“You’re right. I know you’re right.”
“Don’t worry. I bet he’ll be at Sloan’s party tomorrow night. And, if he isn’t… We’ll figure it out. We always do.” Her hand squeezes mine again. “I promise.”
Even if she’s only saying it to make me feel better, I don’t care. It works.
My best friend is pretty damn amazing.
“So,” she says casually. “Does this mean I can start wearing my #TeamWyatt t-shirt out in public, or…?”