“Fine,jeeze, I didn’t realize I was out for drinks with Grumpy Cat,” she mutters. “My point is… It’s time you either stop obsessing over him altogether and move the hell on with your life… or stop waiting around for him to wake the fuck up and realize he wants you too.”
Images of sodden boob-stuffing and puke-filled purses flash through my mind.
“Because trying to get his attention has gonesowell for me, in the past.”
“Oh, come on. You haven’t really tried anything foryears. You’ve been too pissed off and he’s been god knows where, doing that freaky Blackwater shit he’s so good at.” She swirls her margarita glass. “He moved back here permanently over a year ago and you’ve seen him, what?Oncein all that time?”
“Twice.”
“Whatever.” She rolls her eyes. “Frankly, this whole pining-from-afar,I-hate-your-guts-but-I’d-like-to-ride-your-facething you’ve got going isnotworking for you.”
“That was… visual.”
“Bottom line: what if Bretthadgone psycho and killed you? What if you’d died without laying everything on the line, without looking Knox in the eyes and just saying, flat out,I want you, I’ve always wanted you. Please do naughty things to me, ASAP.”
My eyebrows lift.
“Okay, maybe not those exact words.” She sighs. “But seriously, honey — something’s gotta give. And, in this case… it’s you. Either giveinto your passion or giveupon him altogether. But don’t keep doing this to yourself. You deserve someone who’s capable of loving you back. And, if I’m being totally honest… I don’t think Knox will ever be that guy for you. He’s too damaged, too dark. The look in his eyes…” She shudders. “It gives me the heebie-jeebies.”
“Theheebie-jeebies? What are you, five years old?”
She continues, unfazed. “Looking at him is like staring down a well. Nothing on the surface, but a hell of a lot of scary shit hiding underneath.”
I know what she means — I’ve always thought of Nate’s eyes as a black hole.
Dark, bottomless, and likely to swallow you up if you lean too close.
“I thought you had a thing for pretty boys with secret pain,” I say teasingly, trying to make her laugh.
“He’s not pretty — he’shaunted.” Her eyes find mine, deadly serious. “And his pain isn’t secret, honey. It’s brimming over.”
I swallow hard, unable to contradict her words.
“Phee, be honest with me for a second. Do you really think a man like that — a man who’s never loved a goddamn thing in his life except maybe the sound of gunfire and the spilling of his enemies’ blood — is capable of a functional relationship? Of being a husband? A father?” Lila shakes her head. “I’m sorry, honey, I just don’t see it. The only things Knox will ever be able to give you are the greatest orgasms of your life… and a big, fat crack through the middle of your heart when he walks away. You deserve more than that. More thanhim. And I love you too much to sit by the sidelines and watch him destroy you.”
I stare at her, heart pounding painfully in my chest. Lila’s never been Nate’s biggest fan, but she’s not usually so vocal about her dislike. She means well, but that doesn’t make it less painful to hear.
Sad as it is to admit, I don’t have an answer to her questions. I don’t know if Nate could ever give me more than physical gratification. For as long as I’ve known him, he’s never been in a relationship. Never expressed any interest in one. I don’t know if normal things like marriage, or houses with white picket fences, or squirmy babies with chubby little fingers, will ever be a factor in his future.
“I just want you to be happy, Phee.” Lila grabs my hand and squeezes. “And I don’t think that’s ever going to happen until you move on from that intense bastard. Even if you don’t want to.”
“I do want to.” I clear my throat lightly. “I’m done being this pathetic girl obsessed with a man she can never have. I do want to move on. I do want a normal life with someone who can love me back. I’m over him. Or… Iwantto be over him. So bad. I just…” My voice wavers and I take a deep breath to steady it. “I don’t know how. How do you stop wanting someone you’ve dreamed of for most of your life? He’s a habit I don’t know how to break.”
“Are you sure you’re ready to give up on him?”
“Yes,” I lie, wishing the words felt as convincing in my mind as they did leaving my mouth. “I’m done waiting for Nathaniel Knox to love me back. It’s time I focused on loving myself, instead.”
***
Two rounds later, we’ve cooked up a plan to help me get over Nate. And byweI mostly mean Lila.
“I don’t think this is a good idea,” I say for the tenth time, my words a bit slurred.
“You agreed!” Lila protests. “You can’t back out now.”
It’s true — I had agreed. But what seemed like a good idea forty minutes ago feels a touch too real, now that I’ve agreed to it. Lila had sounded so convincing…
I replay our conversation in my mind as we wait for the bill.