“Hey, are you busy?” I pull my knees to my chest and push off from my desk, turning my chair around so that I can face away from my computer and focus.
“Um, no. Not right now.”
“Have you heard from Vincent at all?”
“Clarity—” She starts to sigh, like she’s exhausted and tired. Which would make sense. She has every right to be over this, me staying stuck in my secret and dragging everyone down with me. But I just need her to hold on a little longer.
“Did Maurice tell him? Did he mention anything to you?” I bite the tip of my thumb, the weight of every second that begins to tick by as she doesn’t immediately say,No, Vincent doesn’t seem to know, hanging over me like an anvil waiting to drop.
I can sense the burden, her working up the courage to break the news that everything I feared is set in motion.
“Kris, it’s okay. You can tell me.”
“Clarity, I can’t do this with you anymore.”
I hold my breath, but she doesn’t continue.
“Can’t do what?”
“Maurice didn’t tell him. Okay? Are you happy?” she snaps.
“Krist—”
“No, Clarity. Vincent is mad atme. He doesn’t want totalkto me until I’m ready to be honest with him. You want to know what Maurice told him? Thatyouare a liar and this whole thing was a waste of time. And he refused to tell Vincent more and now Vincent is asking me what you lied about, what you did to Maurice, and he doesn’t believe me when I tell him ‘I don’t know’ because we both know that’s a lie.
“I understand you don’t want anyone to know, and I guess you canstillstay comfy in the closet while the rest of us eat shit out here for your sake because evenMaurice, after he found out the truth, is willing to keep your secret.
“So, I’m stuck. Because I’ll be the asshole if I tell Vincent, and I’ll be an even bigger asshole if Vincent tells anyone. So, no, I’m not busy right now. Because my boyfriend doesn’t want to talk to me and I don’t want to talk to you and I guess I don’t really have anyone else.”
“I’m sorry, Kris. I’m so sorry.” I don’t know what else to say. Apologizing isn’t enough. It doesn’t change anything. Doesn’t fix anything.
She sighs again. “I just need to get my life together, and I don’t think you can help me right now…”
She trails off, leaving an opening. I want to say I’ll come out, or at least offer to tell Vincent, or tell her she can tell Vincent. Say I trust her judgment and if she thinks he won’t tell anyone, then I believe her.
But I don’t. My restraint coils tight in my chest. While Hannah is right, that beating Maurice to the punch and just coming out would end my anxiety and—now—the strain in Kristen’srelationship, I’m not ready. I wasn’t planning on coming out to them the day after my birthday.
“I just need some space. I’ll text you.”
She hangs up before I can say bye. The silence presses in around me, numbing me to my core.
Chapter Thirty-Six
Mom drops me off on Monday and I fall in step with a current of students heading toward Ridgeway’s main entrance, relieved. Calm.
I think I’m still numb.
I haven’t heard from Kristen. I haven’t heard from Maurice either. Not that I was expecting to. The quiet is just getting to me.
With more than ten minutes until the bell, the hallways are packed. I don’t see Hannah or Kristen. I think about stopping by Mrs. Rubio’s room to go over final details since the festival is this Saturday, just to have something to do instead of going straight to homeroom, alone with my thoughts. But as I pass her room, I notice she’s not at her desk.
I have to push through students in the senior hallway, shoulder my way between backpacks and bodies to get to my locker.
“Excuse me,” I mutter, close enough to the girl in front of me that she hears me over the chatter.
She moves aside and I squeeze through the last few kids into the open area along the lockers. Well, right in front ofmylocker.
My locker…