We spend the afternoon churning out batch after batch of sugar cookies, Rowena and I taking the lead on decorating the fall- and Halloween-themed shapes while Olivia, Hailey, and Hannah mix more dough.
When it’s just Hannah, Rowena, and me left, we collapse on the living room floor with a plate of cookies on the coffee table. Hannah and I stare at the ceiling in blissful silence, and I imagine what it would feel like to slide my palm across the plush carpet to hook my pinkie with hers.
The sound of typing cuts through the quiet, and then Rowena flips her laptop around to show us an email from a recruiter atRutgers offering her a field hockey scholarship. “I’m still waiting on University of Iowa, University of Pennsylvania, Ohio University, and Harvard.”
“You’ve already submitted your applications?” I ask, a little panicked. “I haven’t sent in a single one.”
“It’s still early,” Hannah assures me, then she tilts her head toward Rowena. “She’s just an overachiever.”
Rowena rolls her eyes but looks at me expectantly. “Where are you thinking of applying?” I recite my list, catching the side-eye Rowena shoots Hannah at the mention of Pitt. I could’ve guessed Rowena already knew where her best friend was applying.
The first thing Rowena says is “It would be so cool if you guys ended up at Pitt together.”
Before I can ask why, Hannah says, “The chances of that happening are so slim though, Row. With her grades, Clarity is Princeton bound.”
I know she’s trying to compliment me, but I don’t like that she’s been downplaying the possibility of us going to the same school since she brought it up yesterday. Even though it started as a joke, I thought we got serious, at least about the idea itself.
Not lingering too much, I tell them, “That all depends. Grades might get me in, but money could easily keep me out. Princeton would be hard-pressed to give me a scholarship, and my goal is to go somewhere that gives me something.”
“Very,verytrue,” Hannah agrees. “Still, they’d be stupid not to do whatever they can to get you.”
“And, hey, if you don’t, then you could always go to Pitt. And thenyou,” she says, looking at Hannah, “could go to Pitt, and you both would be at the same school! Wouldn’t that be awesome?”
“Maybe,” Hannah says. “It’ll be a miracle if I actuallyapplyanywhere considering how much these essays are killing me.”
Hannah goes upstairs to use the bathroom before we head out, leaving Rowena and me alone to clear the coffee table and take the clean dishes out of the dishwasher. I hand her the mixing bowls and rubber spatulas since she knows where they go, but my focus splits between what I’m doing and what I’m thinking.
Rowena didn’t mention the chance of her and Hannah possibly getting into Ohio University. She and her best friend might get accepted to the same school, but it would be cooler that Hannah and I—a random girl who is copresident of a club her best friend joined five seconds ago—end up at the same university.
“Hey, Rowena,” I say quietly, casually.
“What’s up?” she asks before bending over to blow out the candle on the counter, the smell of smoke mixing into the apple-cinnamon air.
“What did you mean earlier, when you said it would be awesome if Hannah and I both go to Pitt? Like, why would it be so great?”
“Oh.” Her brows draw together in confusion. She cocks her head to the side like she doesn’t believe that Idon’tknow. “If you guys go away to the same college, then you can be together, likeyou were at camp. You wouldn’t have to worry or be in the closet the way you are here, like, if you don’t come out before then.”
“How do—youknow?” I say, choking on the lack of oxygen entering my lungs.
“Was I not supposed to?” Rowena asks.
“Clarity—”
Hannah’s voice pulls our attention to the stairs. She stands there at the bottom, her mouth hanging open but no words coming out. Because what would she say? Whatcouldshe say?
“You,” I say, tears stinging my eyes. “You said you would keep us a secret.”
I grab the trays I brought with me and snatch my phone off the island.
“Clarity, wait!” Hannah shouts, stepping toward me.
I pull the front door open and turn to her. If only there was a way for me to put this whole summer behind me, pretend we don’t go to the same school, pretend we aren’t running the committee, pretend-pretend-pretend my way out of all the lies I’ve been telling…
“You’re unbelievable,” I say, my frustration and fear turning to anger.
Hannah stops and I take her hesitation as an opening to leave. I set out into the afternoon, the pungent smell of the farm across the street and the crisp air replacing everything that felt good about being at Rowena’s house. The warmth, the comfort, the seasonal scents that made me feel tethered and happy, give way to the truth—Hannah lied to me.
The one person I could be myself with, the one person I was supposed to be able to trust with anything—