“I didn’t know he was coming,” I insist. “I didn’t plan this—”
“Your best friend has been begging you to let her set you up with someone,anyone—”
“And I told her not to.”
“Kristen is your best friend, and you didn’t tell her about camp. The person you’re supposed to be able to tell everything to, you couldn’t tell about us… about you. And I just had to watch you get pressured into a setup you clearly don’t want…” She trails off, the thought hanging between us.
“I know it might not make sense to you and this isn’t exactly ideal—”
“Clarity, it doesn’t have to make sense to me. It’s the fact that it makes sense to you that’s concerning.”
“You don’t understand,” I remind her, feeling a sting when I catch her wince.
“Help me, then. Kristen isn’t religious. I get that you’re scared, but are you really going to… to follow through on whatever this is that she kicked up tonight? I mean, Clarity, you let the boy take your number. He isgoingto text you.”
“I’m not ready for anything to change.” I know that answer is vague, but it’s the only one I have.
We roll to a stop in front of my house, the drive feeling impossibly short when there’s so much unsaid and unfinished between us. I’m relieved to see the lights off inside, meaning my parents probably went to bed early. With the car in park, Hannah takes a second to cover her face with her hands and take a deep breath.
I want to reach out and touch her, assure her that this setup will be going nowhere, but I’m trapped. Beingjust friendslimits what I can do to assure Hannah that there’s no one else for me,not without admitting that I don’t view her as just a friend. Without making this messier than it already is.
“Coming out was different for me,” she says, breaking the silence, “and I’m not ignorant to the fact that it’s hard for a lot of people. I guess the difference is that I like you so, so much. I wish that I could be enough—”
“You are enough, Hannah. This has nothing to do with you. It’s about me,” I say, reaching for her. I take her hand and weave my fingers between hers, like I can weave the truth into her through my touch.
“I don’t get why you can’t be in the closet and figure yourself out. Why does Maurice have to be part of it?”
I didn’t see Maurice as part of anything. Figuring myself out has been the plan all along.
“It’s not like I said I would be in a relationship with him, or promisedanything,” I remind her, thinking. Isolating myself in the closet has only made it harder to deny how much I want Hannah, a denial that seems to hurt her more and more.
“What if I just—wejust—went along with it?” I ask, piecing together this kind of wild new plan. “If Maurice is around, then no one will suspect anything. Just the idea ofhim and meturning into something would be enough to keep people from looking atyou and me. There won’t be room for assumptions…”
She nods, her eyes darting back and forth like she’s reading the steering wheel in front of her, but I know she’s thinking.
“So, you would just use him, like, as a beard?”
Even though I have no idea what that means, when she turnsto me, her face is more open, her voice lighter. A beard must be something good.
“Yes,” I say. “I’ll use Maurice as a beard and Kristen will be appeased and I’ll have a little less anxiety about everything and we could be together. We could date.”
Hannah’s eyes snap to me, wider than I’ve ever seen them. “What did you say?”
“We could be together, Hannah,” I repeat, confidence flooding my entire body.
“We could have our secret relationship,” she breathes.
An uncontrollable smile takes over my face. “I’ll make it look convincing, but I won’t do anything with him. I won’t kiss him or hold hands or anything like that, I promise.”
“I trust you,” Hannah swears, leaning closer.
I almost lean toward her too, but I catch myself. We’re parked right outside my house. I just assumed my parents were asleep, but I may be wrong.
“Sorry,” I say when Hannah flinches, shifting back a few inches. “I want to kiss you.”
Her eyes soften, and she sighs. “I want to kiss you too.”
I imagine kissing her again and realize that sometime soon I’ll get to. At the thought, I reflexively dip my gaze to her lips.