“It was fun,” I say, focusing on my ice cream instead of looking into Kristen’s eyes.
I haven’t decided if I want to tell Kristen about me and Hannah. At first, I wasn’t ready to tell anyone about us because being with her, being with agirl, was not something I ever imagined for myself. I didn’t know if liking Hannah meant I was fully gay or if it meant I just really liked Hannah, and I wanted to figure that out for myself. I was excited to figure it out… But after everything blew up in my face at the end of camp, I’m not ready to talk about our time together, even with Kristen. What happened at Camp Refuge can stay at Camp Refuge.
“Okay, but for real, please tell me you made out with at least one hot Christian boy,” Kristen presses.
I can’t help but laugh. “Kris, that’s not what Christian summer camp is for,” I remind her, regaining my composure and licking melted ice cream off my knuckles.
“Okay, then spill!” Her eyes grow wide, her excitement contagious. “What was it like to get the heck out of Stow?”
She leans forward with her elbows on the table, her ice cream perched in front of her face.
“Okay, okay,” I say, resisting the heavy feeling trying to weigh me down, reminding me of what a horrible friend I am for keeping so much from her, for not trusting her. We tell each other everything, but for now, I try to focus on what is safe to share. “I liked having a clean slate, you know? I was just a girl who lived in a cabin off the edge of a beautiful lake. We took care of kids during the day, but at night we had time to ourselves and that was the best…” I try to think of more things to say.
Camp Refuge is in central Ohio, almost three hours south of Stow. There’s a man-made lake surrounded by cedar cabins; a small church with rooms for services, game nights, and Bible study; and the entire campground is encircled by woods for miles. It’s an escape to get closer to God.
Or to each other…
“But what about the other counselors? What about the night swimming Jameson told you about?” Kristen asks, splaying her free hand in exasperation.
At the start of summer, Jameson was my main goal. We attended Sunday school together when we were little and then sang in the choir until I convinced my mom that I was a weak link with my inability to carry a tune. Soon after, we were together at youth ministries until I was finally old enough to not be forced to attend churcheverySunday. You could say our love was fated by God himself. At least, I used to tell myself that. But then I got to know Hannah Fitzpatrick.
“The other counselors were cool,” I say, quickly biting my ice cream.
“And the night swimming?” she asks, huffing in disbelief. “This is like pulling teeth.”
The truth? I went night swimmingonce. It was before Hannah and I found our way to each other and discovered that the woods around Camp Refuge had so much more to offer than swimming in the ravine behind the mess hall.
Still, to not blatantly lie, I say, “It was fun, but not as racy as you want it to be. We would all wade or sit on the rocks and just talk about our lives back home. And, no, I did not make out with any ‘hot Christian boys.’?”
“So, what you’re telling me is that you leaving me in Stowhere nowhere land to conquer new territory was a complete waste?” She cocks her eyebrow before taking a huge chomp out of her ice cream.
“It’s all about perspective.”
For a second, I consider throwing caution to the wind and telling her about Hannah. Kristen is my best friend, shelovesme, and she’s not a Christian. She won’t care the way the other counselors cared. I could share my life-changing, exciting, amazing—except for the very end—summer. She’d probably be happy for me—surprised, but happy.
But that would break the seal. I barely scraped by at the end of camp after the Incident. To have walked away from beingoutedat Christian summer camp relatively unscathed, without a phone call home to alert my parents, was a miracle. I want to tell Kristen, but what if I jinx this second chance?
We fall silent, focusing on our cones for a moment. Kristen twists hers around to get a near three-sixty lick. Her tattoo flashes infront of me, and I see an opportunity to take the attention off myself.
“Let’s not pretend like you didnothingthis summer. What’s with this?” I reach across the table and grab her wrist, turning it back over to reveal the tattoo. “I noticed the one behind your ear too. Plus, when did you suddenly get into the Chinese philosophy of dualism?” I tap my ring, and Kristen reflexively glances down at her own.
“First of all, why do you have to be so extra? ‘Chinese philosophy of dualism?’ It’s YIN and YANG. Just call it what it is.” We both laugh at her mocking me, my chest loosening a little. “Second, the tattoos were a gift.”
“A gift? You know that’s going to last forever, right?” I ask.
“Just like the sun,” she says, smiling down at her wrist tattoo. The one behind her ear is a crescent moon, so I figure there’s no point arguing against that one, since it’ll last foreverjust like the moon.
“Who is it from, then?” I ask.
Kristen’s cheeks flush with a rosy tint. She looks down at her dwindling cone and sticks the rest of it inside her mouth, making it impossible for her to talk.
“Oh, come on. Is it really some big secret?”
Kristen rolls her eyes playfully, pointing at her mouth before standing up to take her napkin to the trash. I decide to finish my cone before it completely melts. I’m wiping my face as she sits back down across from me. Kristen clasps her hands together, weaving her fingers and bringing her knuckles to her lips.
She takes a deep breath before moving her hands and saying, “I met someone.”
Same.