Hannah huffs, shaking her head.
“You guys have known each other almost as long as Kristenand I have known each other. When you’ve been friends with someone that long, it really does suck to lose them…”
“Is Kristen still mad at you?” Hannah asks, the shift catching me a little off guard.
The sting of our phone call the other day rips through my chest. My nerves and guilt at the fact that I jeopardized her relationship for mine without realizing it, without considering how asking her to keep my secret really affected her.
“I don’t know. She hasn’t said anything. I didn’t see her this morning either.”
I glance over and find Hannah looking at me, her head tilted to the side.
“You don’t think…”
“No.” I’m certain. “She wouldn’t do that.” She can be mad at me, maybe she even wished something like this would happen, but I know she’d never be the one to do it.
“You’re sure?” Hannah asks, some intensity leaving her voice.
“I am.”
“And Vincent?”
I open my mouth but a denial doesn’t come as fast. Kristen said he didn’t know, but anything could’ve changed between yesterday afternoon and this morning. I admit that I simply don’t know, and Hannah lets the subject drop.
I crack my window, glad for the crisp air that seeps through, tinged with the scents of damp leaves and the smoke from someone’s nearby chimney. The smell, the night stretching before us, the sky dark and streetlights scattered along the road, are whatI associate with autumn in Stow. I wish I could bottle up the essence and keep it for when I need it, keep this moment, the calm aftermath of everything that happened today.
At a red light, Hannah tucks one of her legs under herself. A wave of pride washes over me at the sight of her getting comfortable in my car. All these little moments that I can preserve and treasure as we navigate the very real, way less scary future ahead of us.
“I haven’t been able to stop thinking about the idea of us going to the same college… of continuing our relationship after high school.” I grip the steering wheel a little tighter, gathering the nerve to finally address what’s been nagging at the back of my mind. “After we talked about it on our first date, it seemed like you backed off the idea of going there once you realized I wanted to go there too… And I’m not saying youhaveto apply there. I guess, what I’m trying to say is,Ithink it would be cool if we both applied, and if we both get in to Pitt, that then there’s this…option.”
Hannah exhales sharply, as if she’d been holding her breath. I fight the urge to say more, to backpedal and give her an out and forget this whole conversation—
She laughs. It’s a small laugh, quiet and seemingly private, but she laughs.
“When we talked about where we were applying on our date, you were still… figuring things out,” she says, choosing her words carefully. “I backed off because I didn’t want to put you in a position to feel pressured to come out because of thepossibility of us going to the same school. Or for you to not apply at all because of that.”
“I thought maybe it was becauseyoudidn’t want to go to the same school,” I admit, guilt and embarrassment tightening in my chest.
“I didn’t want to make things harder for you. I wanted you to feel free to make your own choice.”
I turn into the parking lot of Mitchell’s Ice Cream and put the car in park, happy to finally be able to focus fully on Hannah and our conversation. I turn in my seat and take her in.
My Hannah.
“You don’t have to worry about that anymore. And… honestly,” I pause, reaching for her hand. Holding on to her, feeling how real she is and letting my mind slip into the equally real possibility of our future together. “The idea of us both going to Pitt is what’s been keeping me going this semester. At first, it was the idea that if I didn’t come out, we could go to the same school, far enough away that we would just exist in our relationship there. Now, I’m not hiding at all. We can be in a relationship here, and if we do decide to go to the same school, we could be in a relationship there too—I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’d be open to long distance, but… Pitt is a great school on its own. The fact that you might be there makes it even better.”
A small smile creeps across her face. She squeezes my hand and leans close, not close enough to kiss me but close enough that her face fills the entirety of my vision and seals us in the sensation of being the only two people in the world.
“I’m applying.” She whispers the words like a promise.
“I am too,” I tell her, my heartbeat fast and hard.
Somewhere in the twinkle in her eye and the tingle in my soul, I wonder if we’re talking about more than college. If we’re committing to the chance at a larger future that we might actually get to have.
Chapter Thirty-Eight
The following night I go for a drive by myself. I spend half the time thinking about Hannah and wondering about Kristen, and the other half marveling at the fact that I cantake drivesinmycar—a feeling I hope never gets old.
I spot a glowing red Sheetz sign, like a beacon, piercing the night with the promise of convenience, caffeine, and artificially flavored bliss, and decide to stop for an Icee. The parking lot is mostly empty, the harsh fluorescents above the pumps making everything look more washed out and lonely than it is.