I laugh under my breath, dry and sharp.
“You were my best friend. The closest thing I had to family, and maybe that was the problem. I loved you , and I didn’t know how to say it without tearing everything down.”
She blinks a couple of times as though she’s trying to process everything I just dumped on her, in the middle of a bookstore, no less.
“Uh,” she says.
Yeah. That’s fair.
“I know this doesn’t fix anything,” I go on, “but I wanted you to know I’m happy you were able to move on with Zach. You guys seemed happy, and if my fuckups brought you that little bit of happiness, then, at least I can claim I did something right in this world.”
“Okay,” she says slowly, her thumb tracing the lip of the coffee cup.
“When you started dating him. I got jealous. Not that I had the right to be, but you were the only thing that felt real in our little fucked-up rich world. You were the only person who I could really count on no matter how much I screwed up, and I didn't want to lose that. An asshole move from me, and I’m sorry.”
She doesn’t say anything. Just watches me with a guarded expression. Then she bites her bottom lip. “It’s okay,” she says, so soft I barely catch it.
I bring my hand forward, wanting to comfort her, but I stop myself. It’s not my place anymore. It hasn’t been for a longfucking time, and I doubt Honey would want her ex-‘fiancé’ watching over her now.
“What changed?” Honey asks quietly, still not meeting my eyes. “When we were in junior high, it always felt like we were in this together. It felt like one day the switch was flipped and you couldn’t stand to be near me.”
What changed?
That’s the most loaded question she could’ve ever asked me, and it’s something I’ve never actually said out loud.
“Finding out I wasn’t actually born for the life we’d been forced into. Things just lost all meaning. I should have told you. About the adoption. About all of it.”
“I doubt I would’ve cared.” She lets out a short laugh. “I was so busy trying to be perfect, and to be exactly what they wanted, and I would’ve just tried to fix it. That wouldn’t change your feelings, though.”
The honesty in her words cuts deep because she's probably right.
We sit in silence for a moment, the weight of everything we've been through settling between us. Not uncomfortable exactly, but heavy with the ghosts of who we used to be.
“How's Zach?” I ask, the question slipping out before I can stop it.
Her smile falters. “I wouldn't know.”
“Really? I was under the impression he went to see you last night?”
Her eyes widen as they meet mine.
“You know about that?”
“Uh, yeah. Hard to miss his wide smile this morning.”
“You saw him this morning?” She lets out a breathless laugh. “I saw him, and we just talked, and it was only because the girl who fronts my dorm mentioned he’d been standing outside it forthe last few days. Zach and I aren’t together. We haven’t been for a while now.”
“Why? What happened?”
She sighs. “Fame happened. Zach's sudden popularity, the spotlight, everyone wanting a piece of him… I couldn’t handle it. Especially the backlash aimed at me. Did you know there are social media accounts dedicated to 'Zoney'?” Her voice takes on a bitter edge. “Not the cute couple accounts you'd think. These were hate pages, pointing out all my flaws, creating polls about how long before Zach would 'come to his senses' and dump me. Some even had countdown clocks.”
“Shit,” I mutter, genuinely horrified. “That's beyond fucked up.”
“My supposed friend last year turned out to be running one of them.” She stares into her coffee. “All the while smiling to my face and acting like we were close.”
“I’m sorry.”
“I just needed space from all of it. The constant attention, the fake friends, the pressure.” She stares at her thumb rubbing across the lip of her cup. “I can’t do it. I can’t be that girl again.” Her breath hitches, and she glances down, hiding her watery eyes. “I can’t keep being ridiculed for breathing.”