Taking a breath, I mumble out a small apology anyway and sink into my seat between Olivia and Tiff, placing Ella on my lap.
“Zach will be happy to see you,” Tiff says as she leans into me.
Will he?
After I’ve been ignoring him and said no to his proposal?
For a split second I wanted to say yes, and pretend that I could just ignore all the thoughts running through my head, but the noise didn’t stop.
I don’t know what I am, who I can trust, or why I’m even at this college in the first place. I’m fulfilling a legacy that I never wanted.
I’m lost, which sounds ridiculous, because how can you lose yourself when you’ve never been found?
I swallow down the shame and say, “He won’t see much with me up here.”
“I’m sure he’ll be looking for you,” Tiff says as her hand drops to my knee, and she gives it a squeeze.
I nod, embarrassed, grateful, and desperately tired. “Yeah.” It’s barely audible and probably a little more broken than I’d like to admit.
“There’s Uncle Zach!” Ella points toward the field where he's jogging back from the huddle.
His gaze combs through the crowd until his eyes land on mine. The second they do, his face goes soft, and he gives me a small wave before lifting his hands into a heart.
He still loves you.
“Told you,” Tiff says, elbowing me in the ribs.
I barely register the first quarter passing. I’m too focused on Ella, but the scoreboard shows St. Michael’s is up 21–6 at the end of it.
“He waved,” Ella whispers, her foam finger forgotten in her lap as she watches him throw a perfect spiral down the sideline. The crowd are chanting his name as they get ready for the second quarter, and I can’t help but wonder what’s going to happen to him next year.
He’ll be eligible for the draft next year, and I know he’s going to go. He’ll get drafted early, there’s no doubt about that, which means he’ll be doing this in front of even bigger crowds, making even more money than now as he finally lives the dream he’s worked his entire life toward.
And I'll be—what? Still trying to figure out who I am when I'm not in his shadow? Or in my father’s shadow? Hell, even Jamie’s shadow?
I still haven’t figured out who I am, or what I want.
I get lost in my thoughts for so long, the second quarter of the game completely fades and by the time I look up to see the football players jogging off the field, I realize it’s halftime.
“You okay?” Olivia asks, studying my face.
“Yeah. Just... thinking.”
“About?”
“Everything. Nothing.” I shake my head. “I don't know.”
The crowd starts to move, but Ella and Tiff stay in place, talking to a mother and daughter who are sitting in front of us.
I keep my focus on the cheerleaders in the center of the field while the marching band plays the St. Michael’s fight song. No one’s bothering me. I can’t hear the whispers, and for a second, I feel completely and utterly calm. Emotionless, even.
Is normal supposed to feel this numb?
My phone buzzes just as the players re-enter the field, and I check it, pathetically hoping Zach sent me a message before he left. Not sure why he would, considering I haven’t responded to any of his.
Jenni:Since you didn't believe me this morning, maybe you'll believe this. [link]
Olivia notices me tense. “What is it?”