I can practically feel how hard it is for her to say that, and I feel like an ass for being a tiny bit happy about it.
Not wanting her to leave me and being happy that her dream is about to be crushed—again—are not the same things. I just don’t know how to express that without sounding like the selfish fuck I don’t want to be.
“Maybe he could find you some work here in Atlanta,” I suggest lightly. “I mean, you must have some contacts here from before?”
She sighs. “I guess I do, but it wouldn’t be practical. Maybe after Joey’s in school full time, but for now, I’m happy. It was never my dream to work in a school cafeteria, but I do like my job and the people I work with, plus the idea that Joey can attend for free when he’s older. I came to terms with the loss of my acting career four years ago.”
“I’m sorry, angel.” I wish I could hold her. “If I was there, I’d have a few ideas on ways to distract you.”
She chuckles. “And that would be a very welcome distraction. But since you’re not here, I’m happy to know you’re thinking about me.”
“Always. By the way, the next couple of days are going to be rough. Between the time difference and our wonky schedule, I may not have much time to even text, much less talk.”
“How come you’re playing back-to-back in Anchorage?”
“Because Alaska is so far away, compared to all the other teams, they try to do it this way to make it easier on us. And them. They usually do two- or three-week trips, and then they stay home for a stretch.”
“I guess that makes sense. I never thought about the difference.”
“The team from Lauderdale has the farthest distance to travel.”
“Yeah, two geographical extremes.”
“And then Tampa is the next farthest. So for us, they bring us out here once a year and we do Seattle, Vancouver, and Anchorage. There will be other cities too, but those are the big ones. Once we start heading east, to Calgary and Winnipeg, it’ll be easier to talk.”
“Don’t worry about me. I’m fine.”
“You sure you’re okay with the whole Dusty Peaks thing?” I ask carefully. “It’s okay to be disappointed or even mad about it.”
“I’m mostly okay. I made the decision to always put Joey first themoment I found out I was pregnant, and that will never change, so I have no choice but to be okay with it. Plus, and this is the truth…I really,reallydon’t want to leave you.”
“And I really don’t want you to move there because I have no interest in ever going back there.”
“Because that’s where your ex is?”
“I told you this before, but it’s true—I’m the kind of man who doesn’t look back once I walk away from something. When I’m done, I’m done.”
“I understand that. But it’s okay. And I’m okay. I have you and my son. What more could I ask for?”
“I guess only you can answer that.”
“West, aren’t my feelings obvious by now?”
“For the most part, yes.”
“For the most part?”
“We’ve both been playing things close to the vest. You live with me, but you don’t want to move in. You drive my car but you don’t want me to buy you one. To be honest, there’s a slight feeling that you have one foot out the door.”
“Oh, babe, no.” Her voice changes. Now it’s soft. Loving. “Not at all. Please don’t confuse caution with lack of interest. The simplified truth is—I don’t want to take advantage of you. It’s important to me that I do some things on my own. But I’ve started to realize that I’m never going to be able to be your equal financially. It’s not even about being equal, I guess. It’s more about wanting to be independent. So, if things go south, I’m not in a position where I have to start over.”
“I understand that, but we have to learn to trust each other,” I say gently. “And there’s no judgment on my part because I don’t trust easily either. For me, it’s emotional trust, but it essentially boils down to us being a little too cautious sometimes.”
“I’ve been doing a lot of thinking,” she says, “and when you get back, we’re going to talk about all of this stuff. Because I’m falling for you, West. And before I reach the point of no return, I need to know if I’m alone in that.”
It’s like letting out a breath I didn’t realize I’d been holding. That’s a stupid cliché you see in movies but that’s literally how I feel right now—like I’ve been waiting for her to admit to her feelings first.
And she just did.