“I promise.”
After we finished eating dinner, we cleaned everything up. I headed to my room and grabbed a letter I’d written before she came over.
“Can you do me a favor?” I asked. “Do you think you can give this letter to Shay for me?”
“Of course, sweetheart. Anything you need, I’ll do for you.”
“Thank you.”
She gathered her things, and when she was about to leave, I walked her to my front door. “Thanks for today, Maria.”
“Thanks for every day, Landon,” she replied. She shifted around in her shoes, then held her hands out toward me. “Do you think I can pray over you before I go?” she asked.
I grimaced a little but nodded. I took her hands into mine and felt her warmth. The same warmth that raced through Shay’s spirit. As Maria began praying, I prayed a little, too. I didn’t know if I was doing it right or if it would really make a difference at all. This time, I did something different than all the other times she prayed for me, though.
This time, I closed my eyes.
* * *
I headed to the swimming pool after Maria left and climbed up the diving board ladder. I sat on the edge of it, gripping the sides with both hands. I looked down at the gleaming water as it waved ever so slightly back and forth.
The past few weeks had been hard. Harder than I thought they could’ve been. I wondered if that was how Lance hadfelt before he took his life. I wondered how far his mind had gone before he took that plunge.
There was a heavy fear in my stomach as I sat on the diving board. I hadn’t climbed it since Lance had taken his life. On that very board was where my uncle held his last thoughts. Where he took his last breaths. Where he let go.
I didn’t want to be like him.
I didn’t want to let go.
But I was so fucking sad that my heart felt as if it was trying to claw its way out of my damn chest.
Still, I didn’t want to let go.
Tears started falling down my cheeks as I sat there, thinking about Lance, thinking about me, and thinking about the parallels that we shared in our lives. Then I thought of Shay’s words in those notebooks. How she called me my own person. How she swore I was unique, how she said I didn’t have to walk in the footsteps of my past loved ones.
Then I thought of Maria and the promise she had me make to her.
“I’m not him,” I told myself. “I’m not Lance. I’m not him. I’m not him... I’m... not... him...”
I blinked my eyes shut and took a few deep inhalations.
Then I opened my eyes, reached into my pocket, and pulled out my cell phone. I dialed a number rapidly, and when it started ringing, I let out a breath.
“Hey, Mom.”
“Hey, Landon. You OK?” Mom asked quickly. There must’ve been something off in my voice based on how quick she was to ask me if I was OK.
“I, um...” I cleared my throat and scratched the back of my neck. “No. I’m not OK. I... I need you.”
Her voice became alarmed, and I heard her start ruffling around. “OK, OK. I’m coming, honey. I’m coming.”
“No, Mom. Can you book me a flight to you?” I asked.
“Yes. OK. I can do that.”
“Thanks, Mom.”
“Always, baby. Always, always, always. I love you, I love you,” she told me.