She walked away, leaving me alone with my thoughts, which was never a good thing. I wondered how many times a person could hear they were damaged before those words planted themselves in one’s mind.
First Monica, then my father, then KJ, and finally, Camila.
I wasn’t able to sleep after talking to Shay’s mom. I spent the whole night overthinking everything about myself.
Each flaw that I held was sitting at the surface of my mind, replaying itself repeatedly in my thoughts. Even though Shay’s father was a complete waste of space, he told me I wasn’t good enough for his daughter, and Shay’s mom said the same exact thing. When two parents thought you weren’t good enough for their kid, that hit you hard.
Maybe they were right. Maybe I wasn’t any good for their daughter. Before me, Shay wasn’t acting out. Yet the moment we began the bet, a wildness was released from her soul. I wasn’t sure it was due to me, though. Maybe it was due to the fact that she’d been a caged bird for so long, and she was finally allowed to fly, but the gut-wrenching feeling was still there within me.
I couldn’t stop my mind from telling me how I was too messed up in the head for someone like Shay. I couldn’t stop my thoughts from drowning in self-doubt.
You’re shit, it told me.Someone like her could never love someone as broken as you, it taunted.She just said she loved you to end the bet, not because she really cares.
That was the thing about anxiety and depression: There was nothing logical about them. When my brain started to spiral with the webs of self-doubt, it spun fast, shooting me round and round into its webs of lies. The panic in my chest made it hard to focus on my surroundings.
The only thing that slowed it down was me deciding to focus on the one thing that made sense to me: her.
Shay was still there, sleeping beside me in the bed. When I zoned in on her, the world didn’t feel too heavy anymore. But what if it wasn’t the same way for her? What if I’d only added more and more weight?
28Shay
The next morning, Landon was quieter than normal. He drove me home so I could check in with Mom. I felt bad leaving her alone the night before, but I was still so confused about how I should’ve felt toward her. My mind hadn’t stopped spinning, and the only thing that seemed to slow down my thoughts was being in Landon’s arms. He silenced the loudest parts of me with his touch.
After Landon pulled into my driveway and parked, he hopped out of the car and gave me a tight hug. He’d never held me so close. He’d never held me so tight. I didn’t want him to let go.
“Thank you for staying with me last night.”
I smiled. “I’ll always stay.”
He gave me a lopsided smile. “You’re everything good in this world. Do you know that?”
“Ditto.”
He looked my way, and I began to read him. There was something he wasn’t saying, something he was holding back to himself, and I hated that I couldn’t tap into it. I hated that I couldn’t tap into that part of him. It was as if he’d put up a wall to keep me from reading his current chapter.
“What is it?” I asked.
“What is what?”
“What’s going on in your head?”
He snickered and tapped his temple. “Not much goes on in here,” he joked.
“Landon, really. What is it?”
“Don’t worry so much, Chick. I’m OK. I’ll talk to you later, all right?” He pulled me into a hug and kissed my forehead. “I love you, I love you.”
“I love you, too.”
I couldn’t get the knot out of my stomach, though, based on how he said his words. Why did his “I love you” feel like he was saying goodbye?
29Landon
After leaving Shay’s place, I was thankful to have Maria come over that Sunday afternoon.
I knew I shouldn’t have been alone. Even with Shay staying with me last night, I felt a heaviness on me that I couldn’t shake away. I was afraid to be alone with my thoughts. I was afraid to be left with only myself and my mind.
“You are quiet tonight, which means you’re probably thinking too much,” Maria commented as we ate our dinner together.