“Had my sisters and I remained in the Aerie, we would have come into our power naturally. We start out as the feeblest of the children; effort must be taken to preserve us. It is not an effort that is made for the males, because it is not required. When we do come into our power, however, we have far less difficulty controlling its use. I am curious about your Sedarias.”
“Not mine.”
Bellusdeo’s smile was brief, but genuine. “I confess I am fond of Annarion. I understand him. I understand his goals. I do not understand Mandoran.” She exhaled a bit of smoke. “But were they Dragons, both would be outcaste.”
Before Terrano’s outrage could express itself in words—or worse—Bellusdeo continued. “To the Dragons, I believe I would be considered a borderline case; were I not female, were the Dragons not so few in number, safety would probably dictate my death.”
“If they could kill you.”
Her smile was deeper, and something in it implied serious fangs, although at the moment, she didn’t have any. “Indeed. I would not lie down and expose my figurative throat; I feel that I have as much right to exist as they do. But I would, wouldn’t I?”
He nodded. “Why are you telling me this?”
“Because the Barrani do not, and did not, do as the Dragons have done throughout our history. Barrani wake to one name. They live their lives, spend their existence, with that name. There are apparently those who attempt to divest themselves—deliberately—of their names. But absent that attempt, they are a single, indivisible whole.
“Dragons are not. They come into the world with a single name, but that single name is half of what they require. They have the capacity to hold a duality of names—but they are not considered Dragons if they cannot meld the duality into a single whole.
“Those who cannot are not considered dangerous. It is those whocanthat are.”
“But...you all can.”
“Yes, if we are adults, we can. But there are those who do not contain that duality. It is the foundation for their attempt to take more, to build more, to be more.”
And Kaylin suddenly remembered the one time she had seen the outcaste Dragon’s name. It had been far more complicated than any other True Word she had ever seen. It had reminded her, not of Barrani, but...of a world. A small world.
“You think we’re like that.”
“No. I was, I admit, concerned. I do not know the names of your kin; I do not know the names of my own. But they are alive because of those names.”
“And I’m not.”
Silence again. “I did not find my adult name on my own,” Bellusdeo said. It sounded like a confession. “But it is mine, regardless.
“But you did not return to your name. I do not know what you are. Because the Barrani are political, they will accept your cohortasBarrani, at least in public speech and interaction. But they know—as you do—that that is now only a small part of what they are capable of being.” She exhaled more smoke. “The world I grew up in, the world I ruled in its twilight, was destroyed by Shadow. And I see that Shadow in you.”
He sat up.
“But I see it in your Hallionne, as well. And it is...possible...that my understanding of Shadow is too narrow.”
Kaylin’s jaw dropped.
“Do I have something on my face?”
“Uh, no.”
“Gilbert was of Shadow to me. Everything about him proclaimed him Shadow. He himself didn’t deny that he was from, and of, Ravellon. But—you were right about him.” She exhaled puffs of flame. “Understand, kitling. I lost everything to Shadow. Shadow that mimicked life, Shadow that was clever, subtle. We all made mistakes—because we hoped, or because we took risks that we should not have taken. It made me very, very risk averse, the costs were so high. And it’s possible—barely—that I destroyed people who might have been like Gilbert.”
“And that bothers you?” Orbaranne asked, which surprised Kaylin. The Hallionne had been silent enough that she could forget she was in the room. Her Avatar materialized in such a way that she, Terrano and Teela formed the points of a triangle.
“No one wants to think of themselves as a murderer,” Bellusdeo replied. “I could justify it. If I think about it now—and I do—I mostlydojustify it. But there’s a reason Kaylin Neya is a private and not a queen.”
“My risks don’t have the same cost.”
Orbaranne said, “you are Chosen. Some of the risks you take might be very, very costly.” The Avatar bowed her head, and when she raised it again, her eyes looked like normal human eyes. “But some of the risks you’ve taken have saved us before. I...would like to be able to take risks.”
But she couldn’t, Kaylin thought. Because she was what she was made to be; she was what she’d promised to be.
“Yes, Chosen. You see Shadow in my eyes, but I am not a scion of Shadow; it was not Shadow that created me. It might break me, in some future. But it is not what I am.”