‘How do you know it went badly?’ I ask.
I mean, it did, but I haven’t told her that yet. This is our first conversation today, apart from the messages where I arranged to come over.
‘I can tell by the look on your face,’ she replies.
I sigh. My friend can read me like a book.
‘Plus, he messaged me and told me that you left early to go to the toilet…’ she adds, raising her eyebrows as much as her Botox will allow.
‘Yeah, okay, it didn’t go great,’ I confess.
JJ pushes a glass of wine towards me. I’m going to need it.
‘I knew it hadn’t gone well last night, to be honest,’ she tells me.
‘How?’
‘Because if it had you would have messaged me saying thank you, and sent me flowers this morning,’ she replies. ‘Did you watch the series ofWelcome to SingledomMax was on? One of the reasons he went viral was because people thought he was smuggling coconuts in his swim shorts.’
‘Why would he smuggle coconuts? The island has loads,’ I reply, keeping my face straight.
‘You’re just trying to upset me,’ she replies. ‘Go on then, tell me what happened on date two, the sequel to date one – was it better or worse?’
‘It wasn’t good – I don’t know if it was better or worse,’ I tell her. ‘He wasn’t right for me.’
‘Max is such a babe,’ she points out. ‘He’s famous, he’s got great taste – what was so wrong with him that meant you couldn’t even stick out a free dinner?’
I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket so I quickly take it out.
‘Er, am I keeping you from something?’ JJ asks. ‘I know it’s not work, because I’m here.’
‘Sorry, sorry,’ I insist, putting my phone away. ‘It’s just… I’ve been messaging with Andy and I don’t want to miss him while he’s actually free. We’re so out of sync, I hate it.’
‘Oh, forget Andy,’ JJ says with a dismissive bat of her hand. ‘Sometimes, I swear, you two are co-dependent.’
‘So are you two,’ I reply.
JJ smirks when she realises I’m nodding towards her glass of wine.
‘Come on, don’t keep me in suspense – the date!’ she says, getting me back on track.
‘It started fine,’ I admit. ‘You’re right, he’s good-looking. Charming. He talked a lot – everything you would expect from a successful reality TV star. I thought, okay. This could work, this is fun. He had stories about the show, behind-the-scenes stuff. He was funny.’
‘Right, so what’s the problem?’ she says, her eyes narrowed. ‘He sounds great.’
‘He was. For about half an hour,’ I reply. ‘Then things took a turn.’
I tell her about the girl who came over – nervous, sweet, gently fan-girling, wearing trainers. How she asked for a photo and how Max charmed her, complimented her shoes. How the girl walked away beaming.
‘He loves his fans, he’s known for it,’ JJ says. ‘Don’t tell me you had a problem with that?’
‘I didn’t,’ I reply. ‘He did.’
‘Eh?’
‘He clicked his fingers and summoned some man in a suit and an earpiece – I thought he was normal and low-key, but he had security hiding in the wings,’ I continue. ‘He said to the guy – and I quote: You see that girl who came over to talk to me? She’s wearing trainers. No trainers allowed in here. Have the staff kick her out and, whoever let her get close to me, sack them, blah blah blah.’
JJ’s jaw actually drops.