‘To get me a man,’ I reply. ‘If she put half as much effort into selling my book as she is selling me, I’d be rich by now. Stupidly I made a sort of… bet? I guess? With her. Maybe it’s more of an agreement than a bet.’
‘Did you sign a contract?’ he asks with a laugh, always in lawyer mode.
‘No, but as per the terms of our friendship, it’s best I play along,’ I reply. ‘So, that’s where I’ve been tonight, on a date.’
‘You’re home early, in that case,’ he says. ‘Didn’t go well?’
‘Nope. She set me up with an author – a successful one, actually,’ I tell him.
‘Not your type on paper?’ he jokes.
‘Well, he’s a crime writer. We met at a nice bar, had some drinks, but the more we chatted, the faster it went downhill. I thought it was bad when he was making fun of romance novels but then, when he started talking about his own work, and his passion for writing about the murder of women, I knew he wasn’t the guy for me.’
‘He talked about the concept of women getting murdered on your first date?’ he checks in disbelief.
‘Yep,’ I reply. ‘More specifically, about how he’s writing about a crime writer who lures romance writers back to his place, to murder them – notably a blonde called Britney – and then he asked me back to his.’
‘I was going to say that’s not how you treat a woman, but it got so much worse as you went on,’ he replies. ‘What was JJ thinking?’
The words hit somewhere I don’t expect. My throat tightens for a second.
‘You okay?’ he asks.
‘Yeah,’ I say lightly. ‘Happy to have escaped with my life.’
‘Did you at least get dessert first?’ he asks.
‘Maybe next time,’ I reply. ‘I promised her I’d give one more guy a go.’
‘Well,’ he starts, pausing to slowly puff air from his cheeks, ‘I’m not sure she can set you up with someone worse. Maybe…’
He sounds about as confident as I feel.
‘She’s determined,’ I reply. ‘She asked me about everything I look for in a man. I told her I want a romcom hero and she reckons she can deliver. I was hoping a tall order might make her give up.’
‘Well, I wish you and your billionaire prince all the best,’ he replies.
‘Here’s hoping,’ I say.
‘She should ask me,’ he suggests.
I fall silent for a second.
‘What… to… date me?’ I reply, confused.
He bursts out laughing.
‘Hey, I asked you on a date the day we met and you said no,’ he reminds me – not that I need reminding. ‘Of course, I’m glad, or we wouldn’t be such close friends now.’
‘Well, that’s true,’ I reply. Exes are suitably and swiftly removed from all social media and blocked when and where appropriate.
It was so many years ago now but I remember it like it was yesterday. I was getting over a break-up when Andy asked me on a date. I told him I wasn’t ready but that we could be friends – don’t people always say that? But we stuck with it, we became friends, we moved in together when we both wound up flat-hunting at the same time, and the rest is history.
‘Okay, so what did you actually mean?’ I ask.
‘That JJ should ask me about your type,’ he replies. ‘I know exactly what kind of man you’re looking for.’
‘Go on then, enlighten me,’ I say.