And then there’s the doubt in my head, that with Andy off the table, maybe I’m deluding myself, throwing myself at the first man who will have me. I hate myself for even thinking it, because it makes Jake sound like a consolation prize, and he is not. Not even close. He’s most women’s fantasy. Maybe that’s why I’m having trouble believing we could have something real.
‘We don’t have to talk about this now,’ he tells me.
I open my mouth. Nothing comes out.
‘Really, it’s alright,’ he replies. ‘We can figure things out after the wedding. We’ve still got a show to keep on the road, right?’
He smiles and it makes me feel worse.
He reaches for the basket and starts tidying quietly, folding up wrappers, stacking containers. It’s a small action, but it feels like distance all of a sudden.
‘I shouldn’t have brought it up today,’ he says lightly, like he’s trying to soften it.
‘No,’ I say quickly. ‘You should.’
He nods once, but he doesn’t look at me.
We pack up and head back to the lodge. The closer we get, the more reality sets in.
I glance at Jake, trying to find the easy warmth from earlier, the relaxed smile, the gentle teasing, but it’s like there’s something else in there now too. Something tough.
I really did start to believe we were becoming something, while we were pretending, I just didn’t think he could ever feel that way about me. Now the line between the act and the reality feels sharper again. Like I have to pick a side, but I don’t know which side Jake is on. Is he sounding me out to see how I feel, or is he making sure I haven’t got the wrong end of the stick? It’s like we’re both too scared to admit it.
As we reach the lodge gate, Jake pauses, holding it open for me.
‘After you,’ he says politely.
‘Thanks for the picnic,’ I tell him.
He smiles.
‘Anytime.’
God, I hope he means that.
‘I did mean what I said,’ I manage to blurt. ‘About last night meaning something.’
His gaze softens slightly.
‘I know,’ he says quietly. Then he tips his hat, small and gentle. ‘No pressure, okay? We can talk later.’
I nod, even though my chest aches.
‘Okay,’ I reply.
He turns towards Biscuits, leading her onward.
And I stand there for a moment, watching him walk away, feeling the shift settle between us like a new weather front.
Now I’m worried he thinks I’m knocking him back, but I still need to hold up my part of the deal, then make sure Arty will sell to him, so I have to focus on that. Everything else, well, as the man said, we’ll figure that out later.
29
I love how quiet the lodge is at night, when everyone has wound down for the day, some of us sleeping, some of us chilling – all of us quiet. Living at the flat, with Andy (before Cordelia was on the scene), was generally quiet, but I always slept better knowing he was across the hall. When I was there alone it was like I could never quite relax. I always kept my wits about me, like someone needed to listen out for the flat and I was the only one there. But when I lived at home, with my family, I loved that feeling of the house always feeling alive, knowing it was full of people, or things happening in rooms that I wasn’t in. It’s what makes a house a home, and I feel that here, even now, still, with the awkwardness.
‘I think I’ll go check on the horses before bed,’ Jake says.
It’s just me, him and JJ still up, watching TV. Andy is in bed and Cordelia is in the bridal suite, ahead of her big day tomorrow.