It was after three in the morning, and I couldn’t sleep. I started back working this week, and it felt like there was so much that needed to be done, so from the moment I stepped foot inside the warehouse, Dolo was running it down to me, telling me where he needed me. I received a lot of love from MBM when I made my way back to work this week. I even went back to Uzi’s class. Here I am, thinking that the bitches were going to be laughing at me when I made my grand appearance, but it was none of that.
Surprisingly, a few of the girls did walk up to me, telling me that they saw the video, and just letting it be known that they didn’t find the video funny, and they hoped that I was planning to get my lick back. When the class ended, I had a long talk with Uzi. She got in my head, reminding me of who the fuck I was, and just telling me that I should never allow anyone to have that much power over my emotions like that again to the point that I just shut the entire world out.
I was back feeling like myself, which was great. It was just hard for me to sleep tonight, and I knew it was because I found myself thinking about my dad. I found myself thinking about all the ‘what if’s. Since it was three in the morning, today markedthe anniversary of his death. Just to think that nineteen years ago, all that man was doing was heading to my mama’s salon with me in the back seat, so that he could drop me off to get my hair done. I’m sure that morning started off as just a regular day. I knew that nothing in his mind could have prepared him for that day to be his last day on earth.
Since I couldn’t sleep, I decided to come out front in the living room area. Dolo was in bed, and he was knocked out. I was lying on the couch, with a throw blanket wrapped around me, and my iPad was in my hands.
Luckily, I had the kind of mom that liked to capture all kinds of memories, so with the footage that she had of my dad and I from years ago, I liked to go back from time to time and watch it. I sent most of the footage to my iPad, and on moment like this, when I found myself thinking about him, I would pull up the footage.
“What you doing, Grim? I thought you were going to lay her down in the bed, so that you could help me out in the kitchen,”that was my mom’s voice playing in the video.
I’ve seen this exact video over a thousand times, but each time that I would play it back, I found myself smiling. I knew what my daddy was going to say next to my mom, and that’s why the smile was already on my face, prepared for what he was getting ready to say.
In this video, we were at the apartment that my parents once had together. We were in the living room area. Roman was lying on the couch with his head in our daddy’s lap, sleeping. My dad was sitting on the couch without a shirt on, and just a pair of shorts. I was so tiny in his arms at just one years old. He had a secure arm on my brother’s back, with another secure arm on my back, as I rested on him. You could tell that I was so obsessed with my daddy, even as a baby because as I was sleeping on him, my hand had a mean tug on his beard, holding him hostage,probably just as comfortable as I wanted to be, holding onto him.
“Shit, that was the plan, but every time I try to move, she start fussing. I think Riot got the game fucked up, baby. She thinks I’m her man. Don’t want to ever let me out her sight,”he went on to say, not even looking at the camcorder that my mom was holding in her hands, recording him because his gaze was fixed on me, looking at me with those loving eyes.
My dad was so handsome. His brown skin, the gold teeth in his mouth, and his smile. You could look at him, and just tell that he was a hood nigga, but sitting there holding me, looking at me with that love, all that hood, tough shit went out the way. I would always get in my feelings on this part, when he leaned his head in, and started placing kisses on my forehead. My mom captured this entire moment, so in the video, you could see when I started smiling in my sleep. Seeing that is when I started shedding tears.
“She can’t ever get a boyfriend. I’ll kill that lil nigga,”he said, and during my tears, I found myself laughing because he said that part so unprovoked, and you could hear my mom sucking her teeth.
“I hate when you start that hypocritical ass shit, Grim. You’ll sit there and say that Roman is going to have all the girls, but then in that same breath, you’ll say that Riot can never have a boyfriend,” my mom fussed at him, and like he wasn’t trying to hear anything she was saying, he just waved her off.
“Put them in bed, Grim, and come help me out in the kitchen,” she went on to tell him again.
“Aight baby. Five more minutes, and then I’ll come,”he told her.
That’s when the video cut off. I sat here, playing other videos, and I found myself laughing, crying, and even reciting the words because I watched this stuff so many times that I knew it byheart. My favorite videos of all time to watch were the ones when I started walking.
I was walking at ten months, and my mom had the entire thing recorded. Seeing the way my dad jumped up and down, celebrating me taking my first steps, you would think that he was watching a football game. Some of the videos had footage where my dad would record my mom with me, and my brother. God, she loved us so much. It was the way she tended to us. I’m not going to lie, every time I see these videos, and I saw the love that my mom had for my brother and I, I tend to get emotional because we really drove that woman crazy growing up. Bad as hell. Not only could you see the love that my parents had for Roman and I, but damn, you could see the love that they had for each other too.
My dad was obsessed with my mom. She was the same way when it came to him too. They reminded me so much of Dolo and I.
I watched as many videos as I could, and then I went on to safari. Since I was old enough to know what the internet was, I just remember my mom always telling me to never go searching anything up of my father. She planted that shit in my head, telling me that I was going to see things on the internet that might break my spirit, and make me angry, so for years, I listened to her. I’ve never searched up the name Maverick St. James. There was a fear that my mom had placed there to ever look him up, so I took heed to her warnings. Probably the only rule that my ass ever followed.
Tonight, I was feeling risky, so I went digging. I typed his name in on the google search engine, and immediately, all kinds of articles, images, and arrest records appeared. I was definitely this man’s child because his ass had just as much mug shots as I did. A lot of his charges were petty ass crimes. Minor drug charges, weapon charges, and he also had a DUI charge. Thiscouldn’t have been the shit on the internet that my mom didn’t want me seeing because I knew about my dad going to jail a few times. That part, my mom told us about.
There were articles about him that I skimmed through. One article caught my attention though. It was the title that stood out to me. It was titled, ‘Miami street legend Maverick St. James, 25, fatally shot by officer during traffic stop’.
I knew that I didn’t have any business clicking on that link, but I did. I clicked on it, and I sat up on the couch, moving the blanket away from my body. The link took me to an online article that I read, and right at the bottom, there was a video. This had to be what my mama wanted to keep hidden from me for all these years.
Voices in my head were telling me not to look at this shit, but then that other voice was telling me to play it. If I didn’t play it, I would constantly think about what was on this video, so I went ahead, and pressed play. An ad appeared first, and then there was a viewer discretion advised prompt that popped up, and once it faded away, the video began.
My dad’s Bentley Continental GT was pulled over on the side of the road. My heart was rapidly beating because I’ve never seen this footage. The cop’s body cam is what showed all this. He approached my dad’s car, and it’s as if my dad knew the drill because he already had all his windows rolled down, and his hands were on the steering wheel. You could hear me in the back seat fussing, but my face was blurred out.
“Can I get your license and registration please?”the cop nastily asked my dad.
You could see my dad sitting there clear as day, dressed in Burberry from head to toe, with big chains around his neck. I remember always knowing that he died with this specific outfit on because my mom snapped pictures of him that morning on her camera. She told me all the events that led up to his deathmultiple times in the past, and I’ve never forgotten any minor detail.
“That’s cool. I have no problem reaching over, and getting my license, and registration for you. Can I ask you why your pulling me over though?my dad’s tone was casual.
He wasn’t rude or anything. Just simply wanting to know why he was being pulled over. In the video, you could hear the cop suck his teeth.
“You can,”the cop was nasty as hell in his response.
I’m not sure what was going on with me in the back seat, but I was full on crying at this point.
“Okay, then I’m asking you. What are you pulling me over for? I got the right to ask you that. Can I step out the car and get my baby out her seat?” he still was calm, even with the police officer being an asshole.