“You’re nothing like your biological parents,” she says fiercely, tears shining in her eyes. “You love so hard, Chase. You love with your whole heart. You’ve always been there for the people you care about. You’ve never walked away when someone needs you.”
“Yeah, but I didn’t do a damn thing to find my mom, did I? One letter that got sent back. Hardly trying, is it? Now it’s too late. I’ll never know why she gave me up. Or why she thought loving me from afar was the best thing for me.” Serena tries to speak again, but I stop her. “I love you too much to hurt you. So I’m ending it before I do.”
Silence stretches between us. We both know this is hurting like hell already. Finally, she nods. Just once. Tears streak down her cheeks, but she turns away and starts walking toward her apartment building. My throat is thick as I climb back into my truck and wait for her to disappear into her apartment building. Then I drive away.
Pain sits like a rock on my chest. Why does doing the right thing feel so damn hard? But itisthe right thing, I tell myself. Maybe I’d started to believe I had old wounds I needed to heal. But I was wrong. My past has wired me differently. It’s not a wound. It’s just who I am. No one, not even Serena with her loveand her big laugh and the way she cares for me, not even she can change that.
This feeling. This pain. This sick awful dread in the pit of my stomach is worth living with if it means I’ve saved Serena a future of the same. Loving someone isn’t enough. I can’t forget that.
TWENTY-NINE
SERENA
SERENA:I’m always going to be your best friend, Chase! I’m here for you.
SERENA:Coffee at Hank’s this week?
SERENA:Did you know an octopus has three hearts and nine brains?
SERENA:I get you want some space right now, but can you pick up the phone when I call or at least message me back to let me know you’re OK?
THIRTY
SERENA
MIA:Lunch at Bill’s today. I’m not taking no for an answer, Serena!
HARPER:Please come, S! Izzy and Flic will be there. Flic has updates on the buyer for Stormhawks. I think she hears more in the bar than most of management.
SERENA:Thanks, but I’m really not feeling great today. Another time!
MIA:Incorrect answer! We get it. Chase stomped all over your heart, but a girl’s gotta eat. And I haven’t seen you in weeks.
HARPER:A girl’s gotta leave her apartment for more than just work!
MIA:Cocktails on me!
SERENA:I’m not getting out of this, am I?
MIA:NO!
SERENA:See you at Bill’s.
Time heals all wounds. Whoever said that was a big fat liar. Because it’s been six weeks since Chase and I went on our road trip, and I couldn’t even manage my Saturday morning run with Liv. She’ll be back any minute, and I’m still sitting on the couch in my pjs, too tired to even make myself a coffee. It still hurts as much today as it did then.
I stare at the laptop open on my lap, willing myself to concentrate. Yesterday, Tanya sent over the schedule for the cheer team’s charity appearances after the season ends, and it’s my job to coordinate it so everyone takes their turn. I should’ve done this yesterday in the office, but I couldn’t focus. Things aren’t much better this morning. But if I leave it until Monday, I’ll be juggling this alongside next season’s uniform budget requests.
I sigh, resting my head against the cushion and closing my eyes. It wouldn’t be so bad if I didn’t feel so terrible. It’s like the pain of missing Chase has become a physical illness. I can’t sleep, even though it’s all I want to do. Can barely eat. I’m tired all the time, so tired I feel sick. My hair has lost its bounce; my skin is pale and dull. And the more time that passes, the worse I feel.
Outside, wet snow patters against the windows. It’s going to be another icy cold weekend. And based on the temperature drop and thickening cloud deck, we’re in for a lot more next week. The only silver lining to the mess I’ve landed myself in by fake dating my best friend is the rise in my viewing figures for Weather with Serena. Chase was right. They came for the gossip but stayed for the content. I still get the odd comment about Chase, but it’s mostly weather questions. Just like Chasepredicted, the Chasing Love fans have moved on. Now people want to know what they should wear for a weekend hike, or if it’s going to feel colder than the reported temperatures with the wind off the mountains. I even had my first sponsorship call last week with a Denver tow truck company who want to sponsor a week of shows.
I wish I could feel more excited about it. But I’m so tired. I reach for a blanket, suddenly cold, and glance around the apartment and the scattering of Christmas decorations Liv and I put up. We talked about getting a tree, but it didn’t feel right. It’s the first year since I moved out of my parents’ house that Chase hasn’t come tree shopping with me, and for the last six years, with Liv too. It was our thing. A tradition like riding the Ferris wheel together at the end of the fair. He even made a special trip back from Kansas when he was playing for the Trailblazers just to help me pick out the right tree. We’d grab hot chocolates and fresh donuts from the food truck before Chase would give his assessments of each tree we passed.
That one is too sad.
That one looks like it could be trouble.
That one has anger issues.