I close my eyes, fighting the hurt wedged like a rock in my throat. I try to conjure a memory of my biological mom. A sound, a scent, anything. But there’s nothing. Just a hollow dark gloom that makes me want to leap out of my chair and do something. Anything.
From behind me, Serena steps up, resting a hand on my shoulder. She doesn’t say anything. She doesn’t have to. I lean into her touch for a moment, but shadows are coming for me, that gloom of my early childhood I don’t like to look at.
But something inside me whispers,Go.
“I’ll do it,” I say.
Mama is quiet for a moment. I feel her studying me. “Are you sure?”
“If I leave this morning, I can be back tomorrow and still make Thursday training and Friday night’s game against the Scorchers.”
“Would you like me to come with you?” Mama asks, taking my hand again, forcing me to lift my head and look at her.
I hesitate. Everything inside me feels tangled. I stare into Mama’s eyes. The eyes of the woman who raised me, who gave me more love than I knew how to hold. And then there’s Leanna. The woman who gave birth to me. Who was supposed to love me. Who left.
The guilt over how I feel for these two women is a knot in my chest. Of course, Mama sees this all in my face before I’ve had a chance to formulate the thoughts let alone the words I want to say.
“It’s OK if you want to go alone,” she says.
“Thank you for—” She cuts in, starting to protest, but I continue before she can stop me. “You’ve carried me my whole life, Mama. You took me in, and you loved me like I was yourswhen you didn’t have to. Everything I have and every good piece of me is because of you. So I will always be grateful, and I’m always going to say thank you.”
Her eyes glisten, though her mouth firms into that no-nonsense line I know so well. “No, you listen hard, Chase Sullivan, to what I’m going to say. The first is that I can see the guilt you’re carrying right now. And I want you to know, there isnothingyou could ever do, say, or feel that would make me love you less. Leanna was your mother. And your feelings for her, or the fact she’s gone, don’t take anything away from what we have.”
My throat tightens. I swallow hard.
“The second,” she says, “is that Ichoseyou, Chase. I love Dylan and Jake with all my heart. But they were born being loved by me.Youwere chosen. And loving you, raising you, it’s been one of the greatest privileges of my life.” Her voice cracks and tears shine in her eyes. “Please don’t ever forget that.”
We stand and I pull her into a hug, fierce and long, trying to give her all the words I can’t say.
“I’d better pack,” I murmur, moving to the door. “It’s a solid nine hours to Oklahoma City.”
Fifteen minutes later, I’m throwing a bag into the back of the truck and getting another fierce hug from Mama.
“This is the address,” she says, pushing a piece of paper into my hands. “The landlord’s name is Kenny. I’ll call the funeral home and start making arrangements. And I’ll let Coach Allen know you need a few days off.”
“Make sure to tell him I’ll be ready for Friday.”
“I will,” Mama says, knowing me well enough not to argue.
I glance up at the house and Serena is standing in the doorway, the overnight bag she packed last night slung over her shoulder. She walks to the truck without a word and tosses her bag beside mine before hugging Mama and whispering something in her ear that I don’t catch.
Then she turns to me. “You don’t have to say a word,” she says softly, “but you shouldn’t do this alone.”
She climbs in beside me, a pillar of quiet strength I didn’t know I needed. My heart is heavy, and my mind is racing as we hit the highway. My mom is gone. I don’t know what I’ll find in Oklahoma, or if there’s anything to learn from her life in the things she’s left behind, but whatever it is, I won’t be facing it alone.
TWENTY-FOUR
SERENA
SERENA:I need to take a few days off. Can you cover for me?
LIV:Of course. Are you OK?
SERENA:I am, but Chase’s biological mom died. I’m going with him to Oklahoma City to box up her things.
LIV:Don’t give work another thought. I’ve got it. Love you!
SERENA:Love you too!