“Right now, you’re two players,” Mama continues. “And I wouldn’t be doing my job as your agent if I didn’t tell you that it makes the coaches nervous when a player isn’t consistent. They lose faith. I don’t think you’re there yet, but you could be soon, especially with the Huberts selling a majority share. I don’t like not knowing what’s going to happen, but my instinct is always to protect my boys. Which means telling you that you need to figure out what’s going on inside your head before your worst days outweigh your best.”
I glance at Mama. Her eyes are filled with worry. She’s not judging. Just giving it to me straight. And maybe that’s why it lands like a weight right in my gut.
“I’m trying,” I say quietly. “I just… I don’t know what’s going on with me.” It’s the truth. All I know for sure is that when Serena’s watching me, whether it’s on the field or throwing the hammer down on the high striker, I feel like I matter. Like I’m seen. Invincible.
I open my mouth, about to tell Mama what the sports psychologist told me a few years ago, and how I’ve been thinking abouttrying to find Leanna again. For real this time. Hiring an investigator to track her down. I know Mama would support me.Help me, even. But that doesn’t make the guilt any less. Right or wrong, I feel disloyal thinking about my biological mom when the woman beside me raised me with nothing but love. I’m still searching for the right words when the back door flies open.
“Do I smell cookies?” Flic’s voice rings out as she and Izzy burst into the kitchen, arms full of shopping bags, faces flushed from the cold and still bright with laughter.
“You sure do.” Mama turns and pulls the next tray of cookies from the oven, unleashing a burst of warmth and the fresh aroma of melted chocolate. “Did you get what you needed?”
Izzy lets out a groan, dropping her bags on the bench and patting the small, perfectly round bump of her stomach. “Maternity clothes suck.”
“Yeah, but you’re not going to fit into those jeans much longer,” Flic says, kicking off her boots. “And Dylan wanted to kill any man who looked at you while you were wearing them even before you were carrying his kid.”
“My lovely husband needs to learn I can take care of myself,” Izzy retorts.
There’s a creak at the back door as Dylan steps in, kicking off his work boots. “Your lovely husband knows this very well. But perhaps his lovely wife could let him take care of her once in a while.”
Izzy laughs and walks over to press a kiss on Dylan’s lips. The way they look at each other—the ease, the love—it’s like being hit in the chest with a reminder of everything I’ve never thought I could have. My thoughts rush straight back to Serena. And once again, she’s all I can think about.
I’ve typed out ten different messages today but didn’t press send on a single one. I just can’t get over how much I wanted to kiss her on the Ferris wheel, and the kick-in-the-guts feeling when the ride started up again.
“How’s Serena?” Flic asks, like she’s reading my thoughts.
I hesitate. “She’s good, I think.”
“You think?” Flic pushes.
“We haven’t spoken for a couple of days.”
The kitchen falls quiet, and I don’t miss the confusion crossing Flic’s face. “I thought you spoke every day?”
Dylan jumps in. “At least twice every day.”
“More like five times a day,” Mama adds.
“We do. We did,” I admit, rubbing the back of my neck. “I’m not sure what’s going on between us right now.” I shoot a look to Mama before making a face. “I think you might’ve been right about the fake dating plan backfiring. Things are weird between us, and I don’t know how to go back to normal.”
Mama studies me for a second. “Is that what you want? To go back to how things were?”
I glance around, feeling the weight of my family’s eyes on me. “Look, I’m not gonna lie. I’m seeing her differently. But she’s my best friend and her friendship means everything to me. I don’t want to risk losing that, and I don’t know if Serena even feels the same way.”
And I’m not sure I can be the man she needs me to be, I add to myself.
Flic and Mama exchange a look.
“What?” I ask.
Mama pins her lips shut and turns back to the counter, busying herself with the next batch of cookies. I turn to Flic. She throws her hands in the air and huffs out an exasperated sigh. “Come on, Chase. You must know.”
“Know what?” I frown.
Just then, Madison barrels into the room.
Flic’s face lights up.“Hey, Mad, what did you tell me at the fair last week about Chase and Serena?”
Mad is distracted by the shopping bags at her mom’s feet, peeking inside, her words thrown so casually over her shoulder,it takes a moment to register what she says. “Serena’s in love with Chase.”