Grief is a funny thing, and already in my twenty-nine years on this planet, I’ve had my fair share with Mom and now Dad. That’s how I know I’m still in the thick of it. There’s no telling when—or if—I will get to the other side. I just know I can’t rush it, but I also can’t dwell on what I’ve lost for so long that I lose sight of what they gave me and the life I have because of it.Or the people important to me that are in my life too.
Besides, Dad would be pissed if he knew I let his loss consume me for too long. He’d want me to carry him with me as I kept following my dreams and making the most out of the chances I’m given. That’s what I’m holding on to, anyway.
Then again, he probably didn’t expect me to leave the mountain again—or so soon. Maybe he had hoped his plan to marry me off might succeed in keeping me there for good.
He supported me the first time and never failed to remind me just how proud he was of me following my passion, turning it into a career, and fulfilling my dreams.
Right now, it’s that work that is allowing me to distract myself and not think about the events of the past few weeks, at least for a little while.
When I was ten years old, Mom and Dad took us kids on our very first family vacation. Piled into our van at the time, we made our way to Kenai Fjords National Park where we stayed in cabins at the Howling Wind Campground there.
It was absolute heaven to us country kids who were already used to entertaining ourselves in the great outdoors.
On our fifth day there, we were woken up in the middle of the night by an earthquake. While Dare went into big brother mode, Ash and the twins were freaking out about the ground moving and wondering if it was going to swallow us whole. Yet I lay on my bunk bed wondering how something so powerful, uncontrollable, and unpredictable could happen. I wasn’t scared, I wasfascinated.
Thankfully the short, sharp jolt lasted for no longer than thirty seconds, and the following aftershocks weren’t too major. However, that was the day that I became absolutely obsessed with seismology and everything related to it.
Cue my senior year at our little mountain high school where I finished top of my class and a year ahead of schedule, I had also earned a full-ride scholarship to college.
Once I finished my degree in California, I moved further north to complete my Master’s. That led to my first position with the U.S. Geological Survey, which was the reason I left home for good all those years ago.
These days, I’m a lead Geologist for this part of the state and I’m lucky enough to love my job as much as I always have.
It’s just, since being back here, I’ve realized I’m lonely. Maybe it’s that I miss my brothers.I miss my parents. Yet the place where Ishouldfeel most connected to my family isn’t where I can be right now.
To cope, I’ve been focusing on what Icancontrol—working, eating, sleeping. Rinse and repeat. I have absolutelynotbeen thinking about the other person I can’t seem to get off my mind.
I’m simply putting one foot in front of the other and trying not to fall over. It’s been OK.I’vebeen OK… Well Ithoughtso, until the day I receive a text message.
Unknown Number: Hi. It’s me, Jude. How are you?
I almost dropped my phone when I read it. Straight away, I was taken back to that kiss I can’t stop replaying, and to the letter with the silver hairpin that’s reverently stored in my nightstand.
Obviously, I do what anyone else would do in this situation. I call my big brother.
“Hey, Little Em. Everythin’ O?—”
“Did you give Jude my number?” I say, diving straight in.
“Hello to you too. Why yes, I’m great. How are you?” he replies sarcastically.
I growl under my breath, sounding about as menacing as a kitten. “Dare…”
“Why am I in trouble for givin’yourhusband your phone number. Isn’t that somethin’ he should already have?” he counters, somewhat annoyingly.
“You know he’s not my husband. It was a symbolic thing just for Dad’s benefit,” I shoot back.
“And yet, he calls or messages you and you’re straight on the phone to me instead of replyin’ or—I don’t know—talkin’to him?”
I open my mouth to argue before snapping it shut again, giving myself a moment to take a slow calming breath. “It’s not like that between us. There isn’t even anusto talk about,” I lie. “I need a clean break from Timber Falls and the mountain for a while. I thought you understood that,” I explain.
“As much as I wish it wasn’t true, I get why you had to leave. The thing is, I don’t believe for a second that you left just because of Dad’s passin’. I think it was because of Jude too. Because he kept showin’ up and provin’ he is exactly the man Dad thought he was. Hell, your husband was here yesterday fixin’ up one of the greenhouses with the twins and settin’ up hydroponics so we can have plants year-round.”
I stop and think about that for a second.Why would he do that?I shake away the warmth spreading through me. “Dare, it wasn’t real.”
“Doesheknow that?” he replies. “More to the point, doyou?”
For the second time in as many minutes, I take a moment to compose myself. “I just said it wasn’t real, Dare.”