“I could just use a full night’s sleep for once,” I offered, trying to sound teasing and light-hearted while burying the truth in my chest.
The real truth.
It wasn’t just the fear of him getting bored, per se. It ran a little deeper than that. The line Kieran and I had toed last night…The one that I knew we were only a matter of days away from crossing…
Kieran wasn’t bored with meyet.
But when he finally took what he wanted—when Kieran finally gave himself permission to dominate me, when I finally gave him my submission…What then?
They’re bound to get it out of their system.
Anticipation was a hell of a drug. That much was apparent in the way a year’s worth of longing had turned into this mutual madness.
When Kieran finally took me in the way I’d been begging to be taken, would that be enough? Would he be sated?
Would it finally be time for us to admit to ourselves that surely such bliss between us was unsustainable, and that we should go back to being friends before it all fell apart?
His absence now made me ache, but when I tried to imagine the worst-case scenario: the potential for this fling between us to blow up in our faces so badly that it destroyed our foundation of friendship, too…Fates,that would hurt so much worse.
Would it, though?
I didn’t want to go down that road of thought. I didn’t want to think about how bad it was going to hurt when he and I eventuallydidgo back to being friends, skipping the benefits. Or whenever Kieran realized he didn’t want to offer me these benefits exclusively anymore. And at least one of those things was bound to happen eventually.
I really didn’t know if I could fucking handle sharing him, though. Selfish as it may be, the thought of Kieran with anyone else kinda made me want to shove needles in my eyes, swallow glass, and then set myself on fire—all three sensations would be infinitely more pleasant than what I felt in my chest and in my gut any time I took that possibility into consideration.
I didn’twantto consider it. I didn’t want to consider any of this. I just wanted to let it be simple, just like he’d suggested that first morning.
“It could be simple. If we let it.”
Gods, I wanted to believe that.
When Kieran and I were together, itfeltsimple. It felt as easy as breathing, this new little life of ours, this shared respite. There was nothing complicated about the way we moved together, theway our bodies spoke in their own secret language, or the ease with which we seemed to fit into each other’s lives—even on the bad days.
Last night had been intense, yes, but it hadn’t beendifficult.All it had taken to calm him down and soothe whatever ate away at his soul was for me to let go and follow my instincts, however animalistic they became.
Fates, don’t you start thinking about that now. You’ll only make this harder on yourself. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.
Stomach growling, I nibbled on a piece of bread after dunking it into the tomato bisque. Gods, even thesoupmade me think of him. Of course I’d taken up the habit of mimicking his favorite winter meal. Of course I’d ordered my tea black, spicy, over-steeped, and semi-sweet. This obsession truly knew no bounds.
I pulled out my journal, thumbing through the pages so I could double-check today’s schedule.
?Arcane Theory II
?Bios II
?Arcane History II
?Advanced Practical Arcana
?Irrosi Anthropology
?Contemporary Philosophy
Three more lectures, and I was fairly certain Scholar Cerresthiel was still sick, which meant that Contemporary Philosophy would probably end up being an optional open study session instead.
I tore off a blank page from the back of the book, then tore it in half, scribbling a similar note to both Laurel and Sia.
What are you up to tonight?