Gods, that was just unfair.
“It’s not that I was worried about you, per se., I mean, gods know you can take care of yourself…” I said, trailing off. “I was more worried that maybe, you wouldn’t be coming back?”
My voice was small, and I felt exposed.
“What, did you think Idied?!” Kieran exclaimed, incredulous as he misinterpreted what I meant.
It was my fault for being unclear, but the words were sticking to the roof of my mouth, heavy and viscous, too uncomfortable to admit.
“Tell me this isn’t about what Hans said earlier, Arken. I swear to the fuckin’ Source, I will beat his ass if that’s what got under your skin,” Kieran said, eyes darkening. “Actually, scratch that. I’ll hold him down so thatyoucan beat his ass.”
“I mean, you have to admit that he had a point,” I countered. “We’ve broken so many rules this week, Kieran. Don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about.”
A muscle in his jaw ticked as he paused, tilting his head to one side and allowing his hands to fall loosely at his sides. He seemed to be holding his breath, his eyes searching mine in silence. Finally, he exhaled.
“No, I know what you’re talking about, sweetheart. I just… don’t have a good explanation,” he said quietly.
A pang of regret sank through me as I heard his voice crack, just a little, towards the end of that sentence.Fuck. I really shouldn’t have said anything. Why did I have to be so godsdamned transparentaround him?
“I wasn’t asking for one,” I said softly, and with sincerity. “You don’t owe me an explanation.”
“I’m at least glad that you didn’t think I wasdeadafter a few hours of errands,” he muttered. “I’m not sure my ego would ever recover.”
I groaned, pinching the bridge of my nose. Of course he was making jokes. This was the exact conversation that both of us had been trying to avoid.
“I’m sorry,” I sighed. “I really shouldn’t have said anything.”
“Hey,” Kieran said, taking hold of my wrist, pulling it away from my face. His voice was slow and gentle. Reassuring, just as it had been the night this all started. “Arken, I—. Youknowthat those rules don’t apply to you. They never have, not really. We’ve been over this.”
You’re almost always the exception to my rules, Arken.
There seemed to be more that he wanted to say, but he was holding himself back. It was as if my nerves had rubbed off on him, a sympathetic illness.
“Listen, I didn’t mean to bring this up tonight,” I sighed. “And I didn’t admit that I was anxious about it in an attempt to corner you into some sort ofansweror explanation. I’m not trying to manipulate you, I promise. Your presence just has this… unnerving way of loosening my lips. I kinda hate that about you sometimes.”
Kieran’s lips twitched, a poor attempt to hold back a smirk.
“No, you don’t,” he crooned.
“No,” I admitted. “I don’t.”
I loved it about him. All too often, I found that my true thoughts died on my tongue in common conversation—unable to find a place amongst the idle chatter. Over the years, I had learned how to mask, to present an inauthentic version of myself more suitable for public display, with words that were prettier and less direct. It was such a habit to self-edit that sometimes I lost sense of who I was entirely, dissolving into the expectations of others.
I had never needed to do that with Kieran. Not once.
We were treading dangerous ground, now. Dancing on the cusp of confessions that could change everything. My heart wasracing, pounding, throbbing like the erratic thing it was, caged behind my ribs.
When I glanced back up at Kieran, his expression was a devastating cocktail of patience, affection, and desire. I had hardly touched the wine over dinner, and still found myself drunk.
Chapter Sixty-Two
Kieran
As each troubled word tumbled from her mouth, my heart sank.
I had a feeling this was what had been on her mind. From the moment Hans made that dumbass remark, I worried about how Arken might interpret or internalize it. I had almost started feeling guilty for the way I had snapped at my second-in-command earlier,but not anymore, fucker.He and I were going to havewordslater.
I ached with the realization that she thought I was even capable of such a thing. Did this woman not realize how much I adored her? What lengths I might go to just to protect her, even from my own bad habits?