"Hey, she's entitled to her feelings, Juelz. Be nice." I said, eyeing him. He rolled his eyes but leaned back in his chair anyway. Silence settled over the table for a second. I wiped my hands slowly on a towel before walking around the island. I stopped beside Jezel and rested my hand on her shoulder. She leaned into me immediately. "Come here," I said softly. She stood up and wrapped her arms around my waist tight, Like she was trying to hold something in place.
I rested my chin on the top of her head. Her hair smelled like coconut oil and the shampoo I'd been using on her since she was little. That scent alone almost pulled me somewhere else. Back to when things were simpler. Before I understood how complicated love could become. "It's okay to feel like that," I said quietly. "It don't feel okay," she whispered into my shirt. I closed my eyes briefly. She was right. It didn't feel okay. But not feeling okay didn't mean something was wrong. It just meant something was real. "I know," I said. "But just because something don't feel fair don't mean it's not right."
The words settled between us. She pulled back just enough to look at me. Her expression was confused and hurt, trying to understand something bigger than her. "How is this right?" she asked. That question used to scare me. Because I didn't have an answer I believed in. Now I did. Not a perfect one. But a true one. “Because sometimes people love each other and still aren't supposed to stay together," I said. Her brows pulled together. That didn't fit the version of love she knew. The version I had shown her. Guilt tried to creep in, but it didn't land the way it used to. Because I wasn't lying to her anymore. Or to myself.
"I still love your dad," I continued. The words came out calm. "But loving somebody don't mean you stay somewhere you not whole at." The kitchen went quiet again. Even Juelz looked up at that. Julise stopped fidgeting with her fork. I prayed they understood the truth that showed up. They might not understand it fully. But I hope they recognize it. "I stayed a long time because I thought that's what I was supposed to do," I said. My voice stayed even. But I could feel the weight of those years behind it. "I thought being a wife meant holding everything together no matter what it cost me." Jezel blinked slowly. Like she was trying to follow.
"It cost you?" she asked.
A small question, but it landed heavy. I nodded once. "It cost me parts of myself I didn't even realize I was losing." That was the part I hadn't been able to say before. Because I didn't know it then. I only knew how to endure. How to keep going and survive. But survival and living weren't the same thing. "I don't want you growing up thinking that's what love is," I said, brushing my thumb under her eye, catching a tear before it fell. "I want you to know you can love somebody and still choose yourself." Her face softened slightly. Not because she understood fully. But because she trusted me. That trust humbled me in a way nothing else could.
Behind her, I saw Juelz looking down at his plate again. Julise glanced between us. Taking it all in. They were listening. Even in their silence. "Okay, if y’all have no more questions, finish eating and go upstairs and get dressed. We need to go shopping for Auntie Ayida’s baby shower today." I said, smiling. The smile came easy.
"Is it really a baby shower if she already got the baby?" Juelz asked, "And where does she get a baby from anyway? I don’t remember her being pregnant." He continued looking at me curiously. Juelz and his mouth was gon be the death of me. He didn't filter or sit with things before he said them. He just put them out. The way truth sometimes came out of children before it had time to be dressed up.
"Juelz, don’t say no shit like that again. Finish your food so we can get ready to go." I said, squinting and pointing my finger at him. He looked at me for a second like he was deciding whether or not to say something else. Then he shrugged and went back to his plate.
I walked away down the hall to get dressed for the day. Jules' side of the bed was still made. The way space could feel like it was saying something without speaking. Now it just existed. Like everything else that had shifted. I walked over to the closet, pulling the door open.
My clothes hung in order. Color coordinated and organized. That had always been my thing. I ran my fingers across a few hangers before pulling something out. Nothing that asked to be seen. I didn't need that today. I needed to feel like myself.
I changed slowly. Taking my time. Not rushing like I usually did in the mornings. There was no tension in my chest telling me to hurry. No voice in the back of my mind asking what mood I was about to walk into. I sat down at the edge of the bed for a second after getting dressed. Letting the stillness settle around me. There was a time when sitting still felt dangerous. Because it meant thinking. And thinking meant feeling. And feeling meant opening doors I didn't know how to close. So I stayed busy. Stayed focused on everything outside of myself. Now I sat there. And let my thoughts come without trying to control them.
Today was important for Ayida. Chiana and Amina had put her together a baby shower for her and Noles. They were introducing their baby boy, Omari, to everybody today. True enough the circumstances surrounding how they got their baby was a little messed up, but her and Noles were the happiest that I'd ever seen. Happiness looked different on people who had suffered for it. She'd spent the last two months hold up in the house with the baby and keeping Noles close by as much as she could.
I understood that. Wanting to hold onto something good when it finally showed up and keep it close enough that nothing could take it away. She often sent pictures and videos to the group chat of her and the baby.
Little moments. Him sleeping. Him crying. Her rocking him. Her smile looked unfamiliar at first. Because it wasn't the kind of smile she used to wear. It was softer. Less guarded. Like she wasn't bracing for something to go wrong behind it. It looked like he took to her like she carried him, like he hadn't even noticed his biological mom was gone. Babies didn't ask the questions adults did. They didn't sit around trying to understand how things were supposed to look. They just felt. And responded to what felt like love.
It made my heart so happy to see the pictures and videos she sent.
I had found myself going back to them more than once. Replaying them. Watching the way she held him. The way he settled into her. Like he had always belonged there. Somebody on the outside looking in wouldn't believe her struggle with fertility, especially when all she wanted was a baby. I remembered the quiet moments. wanting something her body refused to give her. Now she had that. And I was sure she praised her ancestors’ multiple times a day for it. That part made me smile again. Not the kind of smile that covered something. Just recognition of what it meant to finally receive something you had been asking for in silence.
We stopped to pick up a few gifts before pulling up to Amina’s house, where the shower was being held. The kids filed out of the car, rushing through the house to get to the backyard with the rest of the kids. Amina had decorated the house in a safari theme, and there was a Safari sign that said "Showering Ayida, Noles, and Baby Omari."
I put my gifts down at the gift table before walking over to Ayida, hugging her. "Congratulations, I'm so happy for you and Noles," I said, pulling back, watching her smile spread across her face as she took me in. "Where is the baby so I can get my TT snuggles in?" I questioned, noticing he wasn't in her or Noles’ arms.
"Evie won't let anybody hold him, she swore we don't need to be breathing all in his face," Amina said, walking up to me, hugging me with Chiana behind her. Chiana had glasses on a tray, and she was passing them out.
We played a few games and sat around talking for about twenty minutes. Juste, Noles, and Pierre were outside cooking on the grill and playing dominoes. I took it all in, genuinely enjoying my family and the time we spent together.
Me and Chiana sat off having a conversation about planning to take the kids on another trip to the cabins. I was hearing her, but I wasn't, because Enzi had walked in the house with designer gift bags in tow. Memories of the time we spent together flashed through my mind. "Congratulations, Ayida. I wanted to bring some gifts before I left this swamp," He said, hugging her, making everybody else laugh. His eyes found mine for a second before he spoke to the rest of us. "Ladies". He nodded before stepping outside, where the men were. They started back talking about something, but I was so caught up in my thoughts that I tuned them out.
"I need to fix me another drink, y’all want something?" I said, standing from my seat, before walking into the kitchen. I filled my cup once before drinking it, then refilled it. I leaned against the counter with my eyes closed taking in the silence in there to settle my thoughts. I wasn't alone long. I felt his hand brush up against mine, and his body positioned beside me.
"You look good." He eased out, smooth, still rubbing his hand up against mine. I opened my eyes, looking over him, taking in his dark skin and full lips, remembering how they felt against my skin.
"You finally leaving, huh?" I asked him, watching him nod.
"My business here is done." He said I watched his eyes as they scanned mine, and he looked me over. "Take care of yourself, Nia. You ever need to escape or be catered to again, I left my number in your phone under Enzike." he leaned in, his voice low against my ear, brushing a kiss against my temple
After the shower was over, Evie and Saint loaded up the kids and took them to their house, even the little baby. Juste, Noles, and Pierre had long disappeared. Jules had never showed up. We were sitting around the fire pit at Amina’s house, sipping wine and eating leftover fruit from the shower.
The fire cracked low in front of us, the flames rising and falling like they were breathing. The air smelled like smoke and something sweet from the fruit, the kind of scent that settled into your clothes and stayed there long after you left. It was quiet in a way that didn't feel empty. Just... full of everything that had already happened that day.
I leaned back in my chair, letting the warmth from the fire touch my legs. My body felt tired in a way that wasn't just physical. The kind of tired that came from carrying things for a long time and finally setting them down, even if just for a moment.
"Being a mommy looks so good on you. I'm so happy for you." Chiana said, raising her glass to Ayida. Her voice held that same softness it always did when she was speaking from somewhere real. "Thank you," Ayida said with tears in her eyes. "He really does mean so much to me. I'd set fire to the world about that baby." She smiled.