Did he truly mean it? Do I dare hope?
Eighteen
Noah
Sometimes, I wish the ground would open up and swallow me whole.
Or maybe the sky would rip apart and drown me out. Or maybe a car passing by would have failed brakes and ram right into me.
Anything that would end my misery, that would free me of this continuous torment of having to live with the shadows and burdens of my past.
Free me from the memories that keep hounding, keep me awake at night, and if I doend up sleeping from exhaustion, they jolt me right back up.
I did manage to find some sleep last night, mostly from how sore my muscles were, brain too tired even to process, let alone dive into all the reasons why the world’s a better place without me.
Yesterday, the team had the day off to rest and get ready for today’s game, giving our bodies some time to fight like hell on the ice when it mattered. I did that for about five minutes, and then my ass was off the couch like it was on fire.
Before, I had Ezra to keep me off the ledge, to keep me company, but now he has Kaeli to spend every waking moment with. I’m happy for him, happy that he has found the love of his life when I don’t even know how that feels.
No company means no distractions, and that’s hazardous for me, especially on days when I want to reach for the end of the bottle and stay in bed.
For a quick second, I considered meeting Andie. She has a calming effect on me without even realizing it. But just as quickly, I dispel the foolish idea.
I don’t like myself on my dark days, not withthe constant cloud of gloominess hanging over my head. I don’t want to dampen Andie’s energy. It’s best that I stay away from her when I’m a walking zombie.
So, left with no alternative, I decided to tire myself to the bones to try and block out the noises. I cleaned my apartment, cooked meals that could feed the entire team, and restocked the pantry.
When that wasn’t enough, I decided to head into my home gym and spent a few hours there, sweating my ass off, and picking weights and running on the treadmill until my muscles screamed at me right along with the music.
By the time I left the gym, it was around ten at night. After a shower, which now continues to haunt me with Andie’s delectable moans, I dropped on the bed face down and succumbed to the darkness.
For a few hours, everything was quiet, but then the playback started, cruelly snatching whatever little peace I had found.
In my nightmares, I’m helpless, weak, unable to protect myself as the cold seeps into my body. It’s probably from the ground.
But I slept on a bed?
Where am I?
A hand touches my shoulder, and something pricks my neck. The voices that keep terrorizing me, even when I’m an adult, follow.
It’s dark and cold, and I’m alone and also not.
I look around, trying to figure out where I am. My eyes fall on a mirror, and I walk toward it. I don’t recognize the figure looking back at me.
No, wait.
I do.
It’s me.
Younger me.
What is happening?
My eyes dart back to the child in the mirror. Shock paralyzes me when I see blood seeping into his clothes, sullying his skin.
My skin.