I know I have a lot of people in my life who love me and are rooting for me, but my inner voice has a tendency to win. It drowns me in a sea of self-loathing I don’t particularly enjoy.
So, I remind myself to focus on the date ahead and enjoy the night. Soon, I find myself in front of the Italian restaurant. It’s the one I’ve been dying to try out since it opened.
Just as I’m about to cross the busy road, I spot an old lady struggling to walk over to the other side. The cars rush past her, not giving her a chance to make it to her destination. Annoyed that some people could be so careless and unkind, I walk up to her.
“Hello, ma’am. May I help you?” I offer her with a polite smile, bending down at my waist to look her in the eyes.
She looks up at me with a relieved look. “Yes, you may, dear.” With that, she slides her free hand into mine, and I help her cross the road, not caring about the dudes honking incessantly.
“I’m sorry, dear. It’s not easy to walk fast at my age,” she apologizes as she leans on her cane for support.
“Please, ma’am. It’s the people who should beapologizing for being so thoughtless.” I shake my head, annoyed.
She lovingly pats my head the moment we reach the other side. “Thank you so much, dear. This old heart wishes the best for you. May you find a man who understands you the way you understand the world around you.” With that, she takes her leave.
Her words are both an ache and a balm over it. Who knows when I’ll have that, and my past experiences have done nothing to assure me either. But the love that I saw my brother find with Kaeli gives me hope to keep believing that there might be someone out there for me.
The ding of my phone has me pulling it out of my purse. My lips stretch into a smile seeing Aurelia’s over-the-top reply to the picture I sent her.
“Slay the man, girl! You’re too good for anybody!”
Kaeli’s response soon follows.If I weren’t straight, I’d be all over you!!! Your brother could’ve waited for his chance.
A laugh bubbles out of my mouth at that. I can already imagine the scowl Ezra would be sporting after seeing this text.
Their texts calm my nerves a little bit, and withthat belief and a deep breath, I climb the stairs of the restaurant. “You can do this!” I whisper under my breath.
I feel a prick of awareness at the back of my neck. But I rub the spot and step inside. The hostess greets me. I give her my name when asked and follow after her.
I love that the restaurant has a classy and romantic ambiance. The warm, yellow lights cast a soft glow on the assembled round tables covered with a white cloth. The jazz playing in the corner enhancing the mood as other patrons dine in and enjoy their evening.
I find my date already seated. Sean, the man I was set up with, sits with his back to me. He’s not what I expected. Still, I walk over and introduce myself with a smile. “Hey, Sean. I’m Andie.”
My hand hangs in the air as he takes his time to look up from his phone, the light of the device reflecting on his glasses. My stomach churns at the image of women in bikinis.
Am I mistaken? Is he not Sean?
“I’m sor—” I begin to apologize, pulling my hand back, but he cuts me off.
“You’reAndie!?” The man, who looks at least ten years older than I do, asks.
“I-I am,” I say, unsure of what he means, my hands curling in a nervous fist.
“You’re not thin,” he muses so carelessly as if he didn’t just obliterate all my confidence with three simple words.
My stomach drops at his words, self-loathing and self-doubt creeping in faster than Usain Bolt ever reached the finish line.
He stands up unceremoniously, the chair stumbling back. His rough action has the patrons peering at us. “Fuck, how can you even think I’d want a date with someone like you? You’re sofat,” he sneers, the anger in his condescending tone sending a wave of embarrassment through me.
I teeter a couple steps back, wanting as much distance as possible from him. “I…” I stumble on my words, not really sure how to answer that. None of my previous therapy sessions could’ve prepared me for such a public humiliation. It’s college all over again. Worse, actually.
My face burns with what the people must be witnessing—a helpless woman who can’t even stand up for herself.
God! They must all be agreeing with him. What was I thinking? That someone could ever likeme? Date me or be seen with me? What a joke!?
No, Andie! Try to remember what Dr Laura taught you. Take a deep breath and don’t ever question your self-worth.
Before I can compose myself, his words ruthlessly shoot that attempt down.