When I don’t respond, he continues, “I’ve had nightmares all my life.” I know that, but I don’t say a word, scared of what he might reveal next. “I’ve woken up so many times with terror coursing through my bones, my body soaked with sweat as breathing became hard. So many times, I’ve considered not leaving the bed or waking up at all. Maybe then everyone around me would be better off and happy. Maybe thenmy parents wouldfinallybe happy.”
No.
No. No. No.
God, no!
My breathing has stopped, worried that the slightest movement would spook him. I want to look at him, look into his eyes.
He can’t think that.
He can’tdothat.
With shaky hands, I cup his face and make him look at me as tears streak down my face. “Listen to me, Noah Miller,” I say on a sniffle, “Don’t you ever say that to me again. There are so many who would be affected by your absence.”
“Who? Certainly not my parents,” he wonders, his tone relaying his disbelief.
“Maybe not them, but I know a few people. Ezra, your friends on the team, Kaeli, thefamilyyou made for yourself,” I tell him of everyone I know who cares for him. “Even Millie would miss you now,” I chuckle, but sober up pretty quickly.
He doesn’t say a word, as if willing himself to believe me.
“And me.Iwould care if you lived or died, Noah,” I choke on his name, finding itunbearable to even think about him lying unconscious. My hand covers my mouth to keep in the whimper that wishes to escape. Right now,he’simportant.
So, I clear my throat, reminding myself he’s alright and he’s with me.
He’salive.
“I would care, Noah. So, no, please don’t ever say or think anything like that. If something happened to you, I’ddie,” I say, desperate for him to hear the plea in my words.
Noah cups the back of my neck and presses the softest of kisses on my lips, our tears mingling together, their salty taste exploding on our lips.
He crushes my body against his chest after the kiss, holding me in his arms. “Don’t say that, baby. I’m not worth all that trouble,” he whispers into my hair, his hold on me tightening as if I’ll disappear if he lets go.
Whereas, after what he has revealed, it’s me who’s scared to let him out of my sight.
“You don’t get to decide that,” I mumble on his naked chest, my breath fanning the tiny hair there.
He leans against the headboard with me on top of him as I lay my arms over his abs, seekingcomfort in the heat of his body and his heart thudding against my ear.
“Your parents are wrong, by the way,” I voice after a few minutes of silence, interrupting the sounds of our breathing.
“About what?” His hand rubs over my back in a soothing motion—up and down, up and down.
“That nobody would love you.” His hands still, his muscles tightening underneath me. “Ilove you, Noah,” I rest my chin on his chest and tilt my head to see him. I let him see the honesty in my eyes as he peers down at me with his wide green eyes that look scared, hopeful and beautiful all at the same time.
The declaration might not be grand, but it rings true in every cell of my body. And I know Noah needed to hear it, too.
His face scrunches in pain. “I d…don’t knowhowto love, Andie,” he stutters. And my heart breaks once more for him. I don’t know how much more it can handle.
I cup his cheek, and he instinctively leans into its warmth. “I’ll love you enough for both of us,” I promise on a sad smile, tears unstoppable at this point.
He shakes his head, and my breath ceases, worried that he’ll reject me once again. And I’m not sure if I can handle it this time around, not after I’ve laid myself bare to him.
“Teach me,” he mutters, then turns his head as he presses his lips into my palm.
My breath stutters at his words. “What?”
“Teach me how to love you, baby.”