I snort. I kind of forced her to try “The Champagne of Pain” since it’s basically a rite of passage for people in Chicago. Safe to say, she made the most adorable face of discomfort I’ve ever seen.
Lol I’ll see you guys tonight.
The Audi hums beneath me as I pull onto the highway, the ocean fading in the rearview mirror. My hands tighten around the steering wheel before I even realize I’m doing it. About two weeks ago, I found Jude overdosing in this goddamn seat.
My grip tightens harder, knuckles whitening. I can stillseeit. The way his chest barely moved. The way I kept saying his name like that alone might drag him back. How I prayed to a fucking god I refuse to believe in to just make him wake up. It's a unique kind of experience when you realize just how desperate you are to bring someone back.
“Don’t you fucking do this,” I whisper now, to no one. But my mind drifts before I can stop it.
~ A memory ~
We’re in the studio on a random Tuesday. Jude chucks a handful of french fries across the room, and they smack Kami in the shoulder.
She gasps, then snorts so hard she nearly inhales her chocolate milkshake. “You asshole!”
Finnick is laughing behind his guitar, shaking his head because we’re all idiots.
It’s been a twelve-hour day. Nolan pacing, trying to get us to focus. Adriana pretending to be patient. “Break’s almost over,” Nolan had said ten minutes ago. We all rolled our eyes the second he left.
Jude shoves the rest of his burger into his mouth like he’s an animal, grease on his fingers, dark hair falling into his eyes. I’m already done with my food. Two minutes, maybe less.
Kami points at me. “Micah, do you eventasteyour food? Or do you just inhale it?”
I shrug, twirling a drumstick between my fingers. “Fuel. I’m ready to get back at it.”
“You’re a menace,” she says. “I have no idea how you have so much fucking energy, man.”
“I’m efficient, love,” I correct.
“And on coke,” Jude jokes, bumping his shoulder against mine as he passes, laughing under his breath. “But it’s true, he’s an eager beaver. He’d deep throat that drumstick like a champ if it meant we could record faster.”
“Don’t tempt me,” I shoot back, pressing against the inside of my cheek with my tongue to simulate a blowjob. We’re tired, but it’s the good kind. Kami and Finnick are new, so we’re still working out this whole band thing.Dissonanceis what we decided call it. We named it on our first night playing together in this studio at, like, three in the morning. We were all so tired,drunk, high, and laughing. When we tried playing something together, it sounded like pure shit.
So I had the bright idea of mentioning that the poetic and musical version of “pure shit” was called “dissonance.” We laughed a lot about it, but ultimately, decided that it was perfect. It became something special between us all.
~*~
The honk of a car behind me yanks me back to the present. Green light. I blink, and I’m turning into Emma’s neighborhood. I pull into her driveway and shift into park, but I don’t turn off the engine right away. Four months after that day, Jude injected heroin for the first time.
Four months.
I rest my forehead against the steering wheel. We had so many good days. I glance down at the Suboxone packet in the center console. I pick it up, turning it over between my fingers. This little pill has been a godsend.
No.
Heatherhas been the godsend.
The Suboxone keeps the sickness away, but she makes me want to stay clean. For the first time in years, I feel like there’s a version of my life that doesn’t revolve around chasing a high or avoiding withdrawal. For the first time, I think I might actually survive this.
The house is quiet when I unlock the door. I step inside, shutting it gently behind me. My suitcase thuds softly against the hardwood as I drag it in.
“Em?” I call.
No answer.
I round the corner into the living room and find her stretched out on the area rug, flat on her stomach, one arm draped over Nova’s neck. Nova’s tail thumps once when she sees me.
Emma doesn’t move at first. She’s in oversized gray pajamas, the sleeves swallowing her hands. Her hair is messy, tangled like she hasn't even bothered to shower or brush it. When she turns her head slightly, I see that her eyes are red, her nose is pink, and her cheeks are all blotchy. She’s been crying for a while.