“Orders are light today,” Erik says finally. “You’ve got the day.”
The day.
Like this is acourtesy. Like this isrecoveryafter a long night of work.
I bite the inside of my cheek.
I refuse to look at him, because he was there when they brought me back. He knows what Alexei allowed to happen to me. Finally, after a few more loaded moments, he turns and leaves without another word. The tray sits untouched in front of me. The last thing I want is to consume anything. In fact, I’d like nothing more than to wither and die right now.
Adriana sits beside me, pulling the coffee closer. “You should drink something.”
I don’t move because the shame is tearing its way through my guts. Shame that I didn’t anticipate something like this happening, considering Alexei is best friends with a trafficker who abuses people. Shame that I didn’t refuse the drinks. Shame that my fucking bodybetrayedme.Shame that I remember.
I clench my jaw so hard it could almost snap. Underneath it, an icy serpent slithers through my blood.
Rage.
Adriana kneels in front of me, gently placing her hands on my knees. “Jude. Please.”
I look past her shoulder.
“Hey,” she says.
I nod once.
She searches my face, probably looking for something that looks human. I give her nothing. It’s easier that way. If I let myself feel it, I will drown in it. So I force it to fucking die.
Sometime in the afternoon, I don’t know when, she guides me to the couch. She sits beside me, her thigh pressing lightly against mine. “Talk to me. You’ve been...gone all day.”
I stare at the TV without watching what’s on it. She reaches for my hand. I let her take it, but I don’t curl my fingers back around hers. I feel myself receding inward, like someone stepping back into a long, dim hallway inside my own skull and locking the door.
Numbness settles slowly, mercifully. I know this place. I’ve lived here before. The part of me that writes music, that remembers warmth, that almost believed in something, retreats.
The part thatsurvivesremains.
Adriana’s voice becomes distant. “You don’t have to carry this alone.”
I almost laugh. Alone is the only way to carry it.
The afternoon drags into evening, and my trays remain mostly untouched. My body grows weak, but I welcome it. When the sun finally bleeds out behind the curtains, the room dims again. I sit in the same place I’ve been all day, staring at the wall, refusing mirrors, refusing food, refusing eye contact, refusing softness.
They took my body last night. They don’t get what’s left of my mind, too. So I shut it down before anyone else can reach it. And I sit there in the quiet, perfectly still, as something inside me begins to harden.
Before I know it, night has settled over the guesthouse. Adriana dozed at some point, curled into the corner of the couch, but I remained upright, watching nothing. She’s been keeping her distance from me today, thankfully. I can’t deal with anymore fucking hands on me. A sudden, sharp knock startles her into a jolt.
I don’t even flinch.
Aiden steps inside, hands in his pockets like he’s dropping by for a casual conversation. His eyes skim over me, and amusement flickers over his face. “Got something for you,” he says. “Tomorrow night. Private client. Alexei says you’re back on schedule. It’s akillthis time,” he winks. “Don’t worry.”
Adriana is on her feet immediately. “He’s not going anywhere.”
Aiden smirks. “Not your call, baby.”
“He’s not ready.”
“I wasn’t aware you were his manager. Last I knew, Alexei put a bullet in his manager’s head.”
She snaps back at him, but I’ve tuned their voices out now.