But I don’t. I hold him there, and I swallow just as his entire body goes rigid. A guttural, choked groan tears from his throatas he spills into my mouth. I feel the hot pulses, and I swallow every last drop. I suddenly feel a surge of satisfaction.
His body relaxes, and he pulls me into his arms, his heart hammering against my back. He’s breathing like he’s just run a race, his body still trembling with aftershocks. He nuzzles into my hair. “We’redefinitelydoing that more,” he chuckles against my ear. “I love you so fucking much.”
I nestle closer, completely satisfied. “I love you, too.”
~*~
I blink, crash-landing back in my body. I feel hot, and I clench my thighs tighter from the memory of him. The text still glows on my screen.
Why don’t you?
My heart hammers. I can almost see him reading it, running a hand through his hair, that small, self-punishing smile he gets when he’s caught between wanting something and thinking he shouldn’t. Another minute passes. Then my phone lights up.
JUDE
I can’t tonight. Trust me, Em, I really want to.
I sit up, the sheet twisting around my legs. I reread it three times. The words don’t hurt the way rejection usually does. I typeback.
Okay. I get it.
But my thumb hovers over “send.” Because what I want to say isI need you here.What I want to say iscome anyway.When I finally press the screen, it feels final.
The moonlight pours across the bed. I picture him with Micah, likely half-asleep. He’s probably staring at the ceiling, same as me, trying to figure out how much he cares. My phone buzzes once more.
JUDE
I’d love to be there with you. Sleeping beside you was always when I got the best sleep. Goodnight, Em. Sweet dreams.
I swallow the lump in my throat and type back.
Goodnight, Jude. I did, too.
I don’t hit send right away. I just stare at his name, remembering how his hands felt on my face earlier, how easy it would’ve been to fall back into him completely. Logically, I know he’s not a patient. He’s the love of my life. He’s never been anything to me other than that. So why am I so scared to give him more? To give him what I know I need to?
I sigh, then I hit send.
I know this could destroy me...but I’m choosing it anyway.
Chapter eighteen
JUDE GRAVES
I can still feel her. The taste of her, the way her fingers curled against my hoodie right before I pulled away. It’s fucking burned into me.
Micah’s already out cold beside me, his steady breathing the only sound. The clock blinks 11:06 p.m., red light cutting through the dark. I’m flat on my back, staring at the ceiling. My phone’s still warm in my hand. Emma’s last text sits there on the screen.
EMMA
Why don’t you?
Dammit, she has no idea what that does to me. I type three different replies before settling onI can’t tonight.I need to control myself, because I almost lost it the moment I kissed her.
I close my eyes and try to breathe past the ache in my chest. All I want is to get in the car, drive until I see her front porch light, and show her how much I’ve missed her. But that’s not how this works. Not for me. Not anymore. I don’t know how to navigate all of this right now. She’s far too important to be so flippant.
I hit send and toss the phone onto the nightstand. The sound feels too loud in the quiet.
Is she looking at the moon right now? My mind won’t stop replaying that kiss—how easy it would’ve been to carry her to her bedroom. I tell myself it’s better this way.