I open my eyes. His hand is still on my face, but his expression has gone distant. Guilt flashes through it like lightning. “What’s wrong?” I whisper, suddenly embarrassed.
Dammit. I shouldn’t have done that.
He’s vulnerable. I’m selfish. I’m so selfish. But I can’t help it. I miss him in a way that physically hurts.
He swallows hard. “I—I can’t.”
My heart stumbles. “Why?”
He looks at the floor, then back at me. “I don’t think I have anything,” he admits, voice raw with shame. “I’ve only been with Adriana since you. But...the needles…”
Needles.
The room tilts.
I step back without meaning to, my hand pressing against my chest as if that might steady me.My god.
“We can fix that,” I whisper after a moment, blinking hard. “I can order a test.”
“You shouldn’t have to do that for me.” His eyes glisten. “I can do it.”
“I want to,” I say. “We can go together.”
His jaw tightens. He shakes his head. “If I stay here any longer, I’m going to kiss you. And if I kiss you, I won’t stop. And I can’t risk you like that.” His voice drops. “I’ve already put you in danger just by letting you help.”
I open my mouth to ask what the hell he means by that, but I snap it shut.
He brushes his thumb along my jaw one last time. “I’ll text you when I get home.”
And then he’s gone.
The door closes softly behind him, and I stand there in the quiet, tears finally spilling over. What kind of danger doesn’t allow him to have free will?
I change into my pajamas and slip into bed, the sheets cool against my flushed skin. My heart still hasn’t even gotten close to slowing. It beats like he’s still standing in front of me, like his breath is still fanning over my lips, like his fingers are still curled gently beneath my jaw…
I know he’s drowning in his own mess, fighting demons I can’t see...but god, I was so close to letting him kiss me anyway.
My breathing turns shallow before I even notice it happening. A tightness climbs up my chest, like something with claws is dragging itself up my throat. An anxiety attack, full-force and brutal. And when the first tear slips free, the rest follow fast.
I’ve held strangers’ pain, friends’ pain, countless stories of trauma in my hands...but reopening this particular wound feels like ripping through scar tissue that was supposed to heal. What we had wasn’t just love—it was rare and bright andbeautiful. Seeing him now, hollowed out and hurting, stirs a violent devastation in me. A rage so deep it scares me. It’s a fury born from love, loss, confusion, and the unfairness of what stole him from me.
Eventually, the sobs taper off, leaving me completely wrung out. I pull the covers up to my chin and switch off the lamp,the room sinking into a soft darkness. The only sound is my heartbeat pounding loud in my ears, like it’s trying to drown out my thoughts.
Before I can talk myself out of it, I reach for my phone.
Drive safe. I wish you didn’t have to leave.
I set the phone on my chest, waiting. I don’t expect a reply. He’s probably still driving. I squeeze my eyes shut, thinking about him in bed with me. He was the most incredible lover I’ve ever had. I remember what he sounded like, what he felt like...
My phone buzzes, startling me.
JUDE
Trust me, I wanted to. But it’s better this way. It’s really good seeing you again.
I bite my lip, emotions catching in my throat. Before I can talk myself out of it, I presscall.
He answers on the second ring. “Emma?” His voice is quiet, rough with exhaustion and even curiosity.