Her eyes flick up to mine, and for a moment neither of us speaks. The air between us feels thick with all the things we both want to say. The years, the distance...my chest hurts just looking at her.
After she places the order, she sets her phone down on the counter and leans back against it, arms folded again. Her gaze drifts over me—my messy hair, the faint tremor in my hands, the rings under my eyes. I know what she’s seeing. I imagine some of herclients are addicts.
“Who are you now, Jude?” she asks finally, her voice quiet but firm.“Really.”
I take a deep breath, then another, because I don’t know how to answer that. “Someone I don’t recognize half the time,” I admit. “Someone who’s trying not to disappear completely.”
Her throat moves as she swallows. “Are you...okay?”
I give a short laugh. “No. But I’m alive, aren’t I?”
She nods slowly, eyes glistening a little. “Thank god for that.”
I can’t look at her for long. The sight of her standing there in her little kitchen, the dog curled up nearby, the faint sound of rain starting against the roof...it’s suddenly too much.
It’s everything I lost.
Everything I threw away.
The streetlight from the window spills over her face, softening her creamy skin. She looks at me the way she used to—like I’m still the boy she knew, not the man I’ve become.
“So…” she says softly, twisting her fingers together. “Are you...seeing anyone?”
The question hits like a fucking slap. “No,” I say with an uncomfortable laugh. “You?”
She shakes her head, eyes dropping to the space between us. “Haven’t really had much luck since you. There wasoneguy for a while...but he wasn’t...it just didn’t feel like...” she trails off, and I know what she’s trying to say without saying it.
He wasn’t me.
My throat tightens. I snort. “Guess I ruined you, huh?”
Her lips curve, sad and fond all at once. “You didn’t ruin me, Jude.” She takes a few steps toward me, nervously fidgeting with her fingers. She always did that when she had anxiety. “I believe that we all have our one person in this life. The perfect counterpart to our soul. And that...no matter what happens, they’ll find each other again. They’re always bound to end up together.”
I bite the inside of my cheek to keep from crying. My heartbeats too loud, too close to her. I share that belief.
I take a breath. “I’ve only been with one woman,” I admit quietly. “Since you. My publicist, Adriana. I—” I look away. “I couldn’t do it with anyone else, even if I wanted to. She...” I exhale, the words getting stuck in my throat. “She’s possessive. For seven years, she’s wielded control over me and called it consent.”
She blinks, surprise flickering through her. “Jude…”
“I’m serious,” I murmur. “I’m stuck. She and Nolan own everything. My band, my place, my friend, my—” I exhale. “Me.”
Her hand moves before I can stop it. She reaches for me, fingers brushing over mine. It’s soft and careful. And it kills me. Her kindness cuts deeper than anything. She’s always been a bright light that draws people in. Her thumb traces the inside of my wrist, over the pulse that’s racing like it wants out. My hands start to tremble, a subtle shake I can’t stop. I curl them into fists in a sad attempt to hide it, but she sees anyway.
“Hey,” she whispers, her brow furrowing. “You okay?”
I nod, too quickly. “Yeah. Just—hot.”
But it’s not the heat in this perfect little cottage. It’s the pull. The ache crawling up my veins, the need scratching under my skin. I need a line, a hit, something to quiet it. But not here. Not with her watching me like...like she still believes I can be fucking better.
Her hand lingers, and for a second, I let myself remember how she used to feel under my hands, how her breath used to sound against my neck while I moved inside of her. I could kiss her. Fuck, I don’t want anything more. But I stay still and let the ache win. Let it swallow me.
Her palm rests on my cheek now. “You don’t have to stay trapped,” she says quietly. I look at her, and I can’t find any air.
“I already am,” I whisper.
Her thumb brushes the edge of my jaw. “You’re not,” she says softly. “There’s always a way out. You’reJude Graves, lead singer of Dissonance. I’m sure you could figure it out.” Her voice trembles a little. I close my eyes, lean into her touch for just a second before I pull back. She’s so innocent and pure...the light inthis shit world I’ve found myself in. I would only taint it.
“You don’t know what you’re talking about.”