Then—
“Jude? Oh my god—oh my god, no!” She’s right there, I can feel her. “Heather—why isn’t he waking up? Why is he blue?”
Blue.
No. Don’t say that word.
Micah collapses into sobs, hands fisted in his hair. And Emma...Emma loses all control. She drops to the floor beside me, hands everywhere, shaking so badly she can’t hold still. “Jude, look at me. Look at me!” Her voice fractures completely. “Please, please,please—”
She keeps sobbing my name, as if it’s a prayer that could possibly be answered.
“Breathe,”she screams. “You have to fucking breathe. If you die—if you die—”
She chokes on a sound that’s ripping straight out of her soul. “I can’t bury you. I can’t. I won’t survive it.”
I won’t survive it.
My consciousness frantically claws upward. I reach for her in my mind, dragging myself toward the sound of her breaking. But my body stays heavy and useless.
Heather moves fast, hands steady on my pulse. “Narcan’s in. He’s breathing a little better now. Keep talking to him. Keep him awake.”
But Emma doesn’t hear her. She presses her forehead to mine, sobbing so hard her words smear together. “I love you,” she gasps, brushing sweaty strands of hair from my face. “I love you so much. Please don’t leave me. Please don’t leave me like this.”
Shame violently tears through me. I want to grab her. I want to apologize. I want to undo everything that brought us here.
I don’t want her last memory of me to look like this.
I don’t want her screaming over my body.
I don’t want her to watch me die.
I try to speak, but what comes out is a wet, broken rasp. My throat feels like it’s been set on fire. Emma makes a sound that’s half sob, half scream, and collapses into Micah for a heartbeat before surging back to me, refusing to let go.
“Come back to me, baby,please,”she cries.
Heather’s voice threads through the chaos. “He’s stable. Mild overdose. The Narcan is working.”
Stable.
Mild.
The words don’t match the way Emma is crying, like the world has already ended. She wraps herself around me completely now, rocking me like she’s still afraid I’ll die.
My breaths scrape out, my lungs finally able to take in more air. The Narcan drags me back, and my body jerks. I flinch at my own movement, startled by being alive.
Emma sobs into my shoulder, and Micah presses against my other side. I’m surrounded, alivedespiteme.
And that line,I won’t survive it,lodges so deep inside my chest that I know with brutal certainty, it will follow me forever. No high will ever touch it. No silence will drown it out. It will be there every time I close my eyes.
I wish she never saw me in Portland. I wish I never let her back into my life. I wish I’d fucking died one of the dozens of times I almost did.
I don’t want to wake up, because I hate everything I’ve done. I hate everything I’m going to have to face. I’ve scarred them forever—and I don’t want to survive knowing how badly I’ve hurt them.
Chapter thirty-seven
EMMA EASTON
I had to call out of work today for an emergency. Luckily, Cassie will be able to supervise my few clients today. The afternoon light slants through the blinds, painting stripes across the floor, the couch, and him. Jude’s shirt is off, and I can’t look away. His skin is streaked with sweat, bruises blooming across his torso. Purples, yellows, angry reds...like toxic flowers that shouldn’t exist on someone I love. My chest is tight, I’m nauseous, and feeling...helpless.