I wake at some point a few minutes later, or maybe it’s a few hours, and I peel off the condom. My movement wakes Claire, and she takes the condom from me and then wipes off my dick with her fingers, which wakes him right back up again.
“Can you fuck me again?” she asks.
Through the dark, I point to a fresh condom, and she grabs it and tears it open, and then, lying on our sides, Claire spooned against my front, I hook a hand under her knee and fuck her from behind until she’s reaching between her legs to massage her clit. She’squieter the second time she comes, and I’m so exhausted, so drained, I let go with her, her pulsing walls squeezing me until I’m coming again right after her.
I pull out, take off the condom, and crash out, my face buried deep in Claire’s hair, my arm over her body, and her bare ass pressed against my cock. Bliss. Peace. And maybe, just maybe, this is love. I fall asleep without giving the words a chance to form, though, and before I know it, I’m out.
I slideout of bed early the next morning while Claire is still asleep. I have shit to do today, and I can’t do it while Claire’s naked body is pressed against me.
I kiss her on the hair, and she reaches for my hand. “Are you going? Aurora’s asleep in your room. Let me get her.”
I smooth the tangles from her face. “I’ll wear the clothes I had on last night. I’ll change later. I gotta run some errands.”
With one final kiss on her head, I slip out of the bedroom. I shower in Claire’s bathroom then put back on the clothes I wore last night. The compound is quiet, except there is a light on in Phantom’s office and the door is cracked open. He’s on the phone, speaking in low tones, and I wonder if he was here all night.
It’s rare now for Phantom to sleep at the compound. He’s got his teenage daughters, Poppy’s son, and theirbaby on the way back at his house on the canal. But sometimes, the shit we do here is a full-time job.
I grab the keys to my bike and head out to the lot. I have sunglasses and a bandana stashed in the bike, so I suit up, but I don’t wear my leathers. Today is a day job for me, for my shit.
I drive where the road takes me for a while before finding myself in the place I thought I’d never go. The parking lot of Pancake Circus is pretty empty at this hour. A few older folks sit together at tables, and some young people sit in booths working over laptops and bottomless cups of coffee.
I turn off the bike but leave my sunglasses on as I peer through the windows. I debate whether I should go in. It’s the same fight I’ve had with myself every day for years. I know she’s in there. I know her schedule almost down to the hour.
Her thick white hair calls to me like a beacon. I scrape the heels of my heavy boots against the asphalt, debating. I don’t even have to say anything. I could go in, get a cup of coffee, and leave.
My heart bangs against the cage of my chest like a terrified rabbit. What the hell am I doing here? What is it about Claire that makes me want to face shit? Look the past in the eye and set things right?
I shake my head as I shove the memories away.
Why am I here?
What could I possibly hope to accomplish by being here? Forgiveness?
A fresh start?
There’s no such thing for a man like me.
What Claire is doing is different. She has a baby to be strong for. She has a future to build.
My future is locked in a toxic choke hold with the past. I’m not working toward anything. There’s nothing here for me.
I curse myself—and the weakness that brings me back here every week.
I fire up my bike and speed out of the lot, and I don’t let myself think until I’m in a small driveway. I pull my bike into my assigned spot, then head upstairs to a second-floor unit. I unlock the door and let myself in for the first time since I met Claire.
I havea condo about three miles from the compound. It’s not much. Two bedrooms, one bath. Since I stay in my room with the Heat most of the time, while Claire’s getting herself on her feet, I want her to have more than a compound bedroom, the gravel driveway for Aurora to play on, and a shared space with a couple dozen bikers and bitches to call home.
Not to mention that the prospects are hankering for a party, and there’s no bigger cockblock to a club party than a woman and a baby.
I want her someplace better. The best I can give her right now isn’t much, but it’s more than the shitty double bed she’s been sleeping on.
I look around the place. It’s dusty, but everythingworks. There is a common space in the back and a small front yard with a manicured lawn. My unit has a spacious balcony, and I measure the privacy slats to make sure they are narrow enough to keep Aurora safe. I have no stairs in my place, and the floor plan is open.
I drop down onto the couch and survey the condo and what I’m about to do. My brain wants to run through all the scenarios. All the reasons I should not do this.
I pace the floors, wrestling with the possibilities and the massive decision ahead of me. But then I think of her, of my mother. I close my eyes and think if she’d had one person who could have offered her a real way out, maybe she could have taken me and left. Maybe she wouldn’t have lost teeth and self-respect, her sanity and me.
It doesn’t matter what happens in the future. I decide I’ll deal with it when I need to. I may not be able to give Claire me, but I can give her this. More than I could do for my mother. More than anyone could do for her. I can give her a chance to start over, and that’s the least she deserves.