Ethan:I know you don’t want to talk to me, and that’s fine. But I just need to know: are you ok Margot?
Her phone lights up on her desk. She hesitates, finger hovering over the screen. Hope flutters in my chest. Hope for what? I’m not entirely sure. Maybe that her response will invite some conversation between us. That it might open a door. Then she types something and sets her phone down on her desk like it’s just spent ten minutes in the microwave.
My phone buzzes in my hand.
Margot:No.
29
Margot
Isettle into my new job, filling my days with mindless accounting tasks.
I keep my head down at work, waiting for the rumors about Ethan and me to fade away.
I avoid the tenth floor of the True North building as if it were the gateway to hell. Because for me, it is.
I run into Ethan sometimes. Afterwards, I go to the hidden bathroom down the hall from the lobby and cry.
I rent a modest, affordable apartment in the suburbs. Not the fancy one overlooking the park; I couldn’t afford it without a pay raise. Even if I could, I wouldn’t give the leasing agent who sold us out the satisfaction—or the commission.
I fill my apartment with IKEA furniture, which I build by myself.
I amass a collection of weird little wrenches that I’m not sure if I’m supposed to keep or not.
I sell all the books that remind me of Ethan to a secondhand bookstore.
I stack the few surviving books in a neat pile on my dresser and give my bookcase away to a neighbor. If I feel like reading, I'll use my e-reader. But I don't feel like reading. Ever.
I adopt a cat, who I name Harriet. Because she is the only thing that brings me any joy, but I feel incapable of providing the same in return, I adopt a second cat to keep her company. I name the second cat Ramona.
I amass a large collection of cat toys.
Some days I eat. Other days I forget. At least I always remember to feed the cats.
I spend time with Emma, who seems increasingly concerned. She asks how I am a lot and never seems to believe me when I say that I'm fine.
I buy a 1500-piece puzzle of a creepy Irish castle because it seems like it might help me work through something. (Spoiler alert: it does not.)
Additional spoiler: cats and puzzles do not mix. Weeks after throwing it away, I still find random puzzle pieces strewn about my apartment.
On the first day of autumn, I am kidnapped. Emma tells me we’re going out for pumpkin spice lattes but drives me to a therapist's office instead. She marches me inside and holds my hand while I woodenly recite the events of the past few months to a blonde stranger with a fancy pen and kind eyes. By the end of the session, I am sobbing, but I also feel better than I have in weeks.
I am cautiously optimistic.
And the next time I run into Ethan at work, I'm able to force a smile, keep my head held high, and keep walking…
… straight to the hidden bathroom off the lobby, where I cry a little less than usual.
I am making progress.
I think.
30
Ethan
“Here’s that report you wanted, Mr. North.” Adrianna trots into my office in four-inch heels with an overeager smile plastered on her face.