The words tear out of me, broken, and I pound my fists against his chest again.
"I hate you so much!"
My hands are on fire now, shaking with exhaustion.
But I can't stop hitting him, and I can't stop screaming.
Because if I stop, I'll have to face the truth.
That I don't hate him, that I never could.
That the part of me that still loves him is what hurts the most.
My vision blurs completely now as tears stream down my face, and my legs give out.
I collapse against his chest, my fists uncurling, my palms pressing flat against his shirt. I sob into his chest, my body shaking, my breaths coming in short, desperate gasps.
And then his arms wrap around me, and he pulls me against him, one hand pressing against the back of my head, the other wrapping around my waist.
He buries his face in my hair, and his voice is low when he speaks.
“You are my breath, my life, my everything. And I failed you.”
The words hit me like a blow, and I gasp, my fingers clutching at his shirt.
"I'm so so sorry, Leni. I'm so fucking sorry."
He holds me tighter.
"Hit me again if you have to. I deserve it all. Hate me all you want, because the truth is, I hate myself for everything that has happened to you.”
He pulls back just enough to look down at me, his dark eyes burning with something raw and fierce.
"But I am never letting you go. Never letting anything happen to you ever again."
His arms tighten around me, and I break completely.
I bury my face in his chest, my sobs tearing through me, and he holds me through every single one.
He doesn't let go or pull away.
He just holds me up, his body a solid anchor in my chaos.
And for the first time in eighteen months, I let myself fall apart.
Because, no matter what, I know in this moment with him, despite all my swirling emotions, Adi is the only person I want with me. The only person who is the constant light in my darkness.
18
ELENA
Adrian starts to talk as I cry into his chest, but it's all too much. In the moment, my fight-or-flight system kicks in, and I push away from him, and flee to the bedroom before Adrian can say another word.
My legs carry me down the hallway, my vision blurred with tears, my chest heaving with breaths that won't come fast enough.
I slam the door behind me and lean against it, my head dropping forward as tears fall onto the ground.
My body trembles with the aftershock of everything I just released. The screaming, the hitting, the sobbing. It all poured out of me, and now I feel empty and ashamed.