He stilled, and I knew my answer immediately.
“Don’t be mad at her. She’s been so worried about you, Jas. Not just this, but for years. You’ve been more and more distant, and now she’s paranoid she’s going to miss something’s wrong and you’re going to do something stupid.”
I hated knowing what I’d put her through.
“I think I was depressed because I was so unhappy with my life. I didn’t understand who I was and nothing made sense.”
He pushed his glasses onto the top of his head so I could see the confusion in his eyes. “What do you mean?”
“Jax, I’m gay.”
He stared at me for a moment. “Okay, wow. Gay? But you’ve been with women?”
“Yes, and I hated it.”
“The rock star woman?”
I shook my head. “Couldn’t get it up. Told her I loved her to distract her from that fact, and she ran. Rightly so, because I was weird as hell.”
His mouth fell open before he shook his head and adjusted his expression. “Okay, so gay. And you’ve been depressed because you thought you had to hide it?
“No. I had no idea until recently. In fact, until the night of your charity dinner.”
His brows furrowed in confusion. “My dinner. You ran off… so you realised at my dinner and that’s why you left?”
“Yeap.”
“What am I missing here, Jas, because I hear what you’re saying, but it’s not making any sense?”
I swallowed, my mouth dry with dread at saying this out loud, but I knew I needed to. “When I was fifteen, I started to have feelings… an awareness of a boy. I found myself looking, dreaming, wanting. I didn’t understand it at first, and when I did, I was so scared it would affect our friendship; that they’d hate me. Then one day, my friend left. Moved away with no notice. No explanation. So apparently, my subconscious took it personally and shoved my gay awakening in a cupboard, locked it away, and buried it so deeply that I had no idea. I thought I liked women. I tried to like women. But my body had other ideas. Then there was your dinner. Arlo, the dancer, well…” I sighed as I remembered how Finn moved that night. “And then there was also Travis. Him and I… well, look, it’s complicated, but what I’m trying to say is my experiences when I was fifteen made me believe that there was something wrong with me that drove my friend away and despite learning why he left, I don’t think I ever believed I was safe to explore my sexuality until I met them.”
“Them?” Jasper asked.
I pointed to a table set outside a cafe just down from where we sat in the sand.
“Them.”
Finn and Trav were watching us intently, grinning back at me; Finn offering an adorable finger wave.
Jax stared at them for a moment before turning to me and tilting his head to the side. “Jas are you trying to tell me that you had feelings formeand that my leaving made you feel like you had to hide who you were and that’s what made you depressed?”
“The depression, no, but the other stuff… yes. Jax, I think fifteen-year-old me thought he was in love with you, and when your psycho dad forced you to leave, I thought it was my fault. That my feelings for you drove you away. I think my moving to Ecuador was actually me running from you because deep down I knew being around you would open up all those emotions, and I wasn’t ready to deal with them. That’s where the depression came from.”
He stared out at the water. “I’m so sorry you went through that.” I could hear the pain in his words.
“None of it was your fault,” I told him, meaning every word.
“I had no idea, I promise.”
I nudged his shoulder with mine. “I know.”
“So, I was your first crush?” he asked, sounding more playful.
“Do we have to tell Ma?”
He chuckled. “You still in love with me?”
I made a vomiting sound. “Nope.”