“Painful and dangerous. It could help, but it could leave me with hardly any range of movement.”
I rubbed my thumb over the back of his hand. “And without it?”
He stared at me, his eyes glistening with unshed tears. “A piece of my spine severs my spinal cord and I’m paralyzed.”
“Fuck. So what are you going to do? What does Aaron think?”
He closed his eyes briefly, sadness flooding his face. “I’ve not told him. He watched me have to go through what I did, and he knows how long it took to recover. I’m worried this will be too much.”
I frowned, tightening my hold on his hand, trying to offer him some comfort. “What? He loves you. Why wouldn’t he want to be there to support you?”
“Sometimes love isn’t enough. I can’t do that to him again. Just the idea of this operation has opened the doors to my PTSD. I’m a mess, Fern.”
“You wanna tell me about it?”
Neo ran his fingers through his red hair. While I knew the basics about what happened, he’d never really spoken to me about the crash in detail, trying to avoid talking about it as much as he could.
“I don’t remember much about the accident. I was on the phone with Aaron. Addi was asleep. I heard a shout and then smoke filled the air and then nothing until the sun was burning my face. They tell me the seat I was strapped into saved my life because, when I was ripped from the plane as it crashed, it took the brunt of the impact.
“Addi and I have talked about it, but being on the island is a blur and the first thing I remember was being in the hospital in the UK, but that’s when the pain really started. The metal that sliced into my shoulder and the damage that did, I could have coped with, but my back… it’s never ending. Pain travels. Did you know that? One day it can give me headaches and the next my feet go numb and most of the time my back feels like it’s on fire.”
“Neo, I’m so sorry. I mean, I see when you’re struggling, but you seem to deal with it so well.”
“Aaron is having to carry me around. I fight to stay strong all day at work, so by the time I get home, he gets the worst of me. It’s not fair on him. If I have this operation and it goes wrong, I can’t expect him to live as my carer for the rest of his life.”
“But—”
“And then there’s Charlie.”
“Charlie?”
“What Lea told us. Fuck, Fern… how did I not know that a member of one of our bands was sexually assaulted? We should have protected Archer, so Charlie was never put in that position. I’ve never said it, but I’ve blamed those boys for what happened. I’ve tried to put it to one side, but I’m harder on them thananyone else. I see the worst in everything they do. I need to apologize to them. I need to make it better.”
I pushed back from my desk and moved to stand in front of Neo. “Why do I feel like you’re sorting your affairs and putting your life in order? You’re freaking me out.”
Neo let out a low, hollow laugh that terrified me because there was something he wasn’t telling me. I could feel it. “No, Sweets, but I haven’t told anyone else about the surgery. I just need some time to get my head around it, so can you keep it to yourself? Just for now. When I decide what I’m going to do, I will tell Addi, but I need to think.”
“Think? Think about what? If you don’t have the surgery, you could end up paralyzed.”
“And if I have it, I could as well,” he argued, sounding exhausted.
I leaned down and hugged him, feeling how tense his body was. “What do you need from me, Neo?”
He swallowed as if he was trying to force down his emotions. “I need you to have my back. Be on my side. Even if you think I’m being an idiot.”
Standing again, I cupped his stubble covered face. “Always and without question, but I will not support your decisions if they’ll hurt you. I can’t. You’re too important to me… to all of us.”
Neo closed his eyes and cracked his neck before he opened them again. “I’m trying to protect the people I love. Will you just remember that… no matter what happens?” He stood, walking slowly to the door, trying to mask his limp as he moved.
“Neo, you’re scaring me.”
He twisted his head over his shoulder, looking back at me, his emotions now masked from his face. “I’m good, Sweets.”
I wasn’t sure how long I sat in my office thinking about our conversation. I was so worried that I did the only thing I could;I emailed Addi, telling her word for word what he said. I got a message back minutes later.
I’m bringing the kids in tomorrow to meet everyone so I can suss him out. Don’t tell him. You did the right thing. Xx
Chapter 27