All this time, she’s been alive. I had secretly hoped she was dead—at least that would explain why she never came to find me.
Instead, she’s out there.
My mouth goes dry. I should say something, ask him questions, thank him, scream in his face, but I’m so afraid it’s crippling.
“It’s okay, Nika, it’s okay,” he says quietly, firmly, and I grab onto his wrist to keep me grounded. “What’s wrong? Why do you look so upset?”
I struggle to fight back tears. “Gabe… what if… what if she doesn’t want to see me?”
“Oh, baby?—“
“She left. She could’ve come back, but she didn’t. What if she abandoned me… on purpose, and now… she doesn’t want…”
“Nika,” he says, pulling me against him, and hugs me tight as the emotions flood from my body.
God, this is so messed up. I sob into his chest, hating myself, feeling small and pathetic. But I can’t help it. What if my mother doesn’t want to see me? Can I handle finding her and getting rejected all over again? I could’ve left this alone, acted like she was dead, pretended like she doesn’t matter, because she doesn’t, but I want her to. I desperately want her to care.
She might not.
The thought nearly kills me.
But Gabe holds me close. He strokes my hair and whispers soothing words in my ear. I barely hear him, but his touch helpscalm me down. He wipes my tears, kisses my cheeks, makes me drink some coffee, and scoots a chair closer so he can sit with his knees pressed to mine, his hands tangled in my fingers.
“You don’t have to do anything with this information,” he says clearly. “This woman doesn’t change anything about who you are. No matter what she says, what she wants or who she is, you are still you, Nika.”
“I know. I know you’re right. I just, I’m really scared.”
“I’ll be there with you if you want. I’ll hold your hand the whole time or I’ll watch from a distance. Whatever you need.”
I lean in and kiss him. I’m overwhelmed by how badly I need him. “Will you really? Do you promise?”
“I swear, baby.”
“Even with everything that’s happening?”
“There’s time.” He runs a thumb down my cheek. “She’s not that far from here.”
I gag out another sob but swallow it down. I take a deep breath and blow it out, steadying myself.
I can do this. I can handle it. This woman is my mother, but she didn’t raise me. She’s not family and might never be. That’s okay too. I can live with that.
“Where is she?”
“Germany. She’s been there for a long time. I think ever since you were born. It isn’t far from here. We can go today and be there by tonight.”
I look around, struggling not to panic. “Right now? Seriously?”
“Or we can go tomorrow, or the day after, or never. It’s up to you, Nika. But let me tell you this: I don’t know what’s going to happen from here on out. This might be our only chance. The choice is yours, but you need to understand, I don’t know if we’ll get another opportunity.”
I stand. The table rattles and my coffee almost spills. I pace like a lunatic and ignore the looks I get from the bored waitress lingering inside the cafe.
It has to be like this. If I sit with it and let myself stew in these emotions, I’m never going to go. Fear’s going to hold me back. That’s how I’ve always been. I think too much and end up following orders, doing the easy thing, slinking back and making myself small.
But I’m not that girl anymore.
Even if I feel like a child all over again, terrified of getting rejected.
This is my mother. She’s not far away, living in Germany, and maybe she doesn’t know anything about me. Maybe she’s got her reasons for what happened, but either way I’ve always wanted to meet her, and this is my chance. I can’t be a coward my whole life. I have to do something hard, something brave, something that makes me a better version of me, even if it hurts in the process.