I didn’t respond verbally. Instead, taking a page from Drew’s playbook and simply raising my eyebrows in challenge.
“Come on. You think I want to sit here and chat about my thoughts with you?” She draped the washcloth back over her face and slid down into the tub a little farther, sending a small wave of water over the edge.
“You have something better to do?” I countered.
Helen huffed out a laugh, devoid of humor. “I have the rest of my life, no matter how long or short that may be.Doesn’t mean I’m giving you a damn thing.”
I stared at her a while longer, my thumb twisting the engagement ring on my finger. I wasn’t really sure why I wanted to know what was going on in her head.
“You really want to die here?” I asked her.
This got a reaction from her, and she reached up again and clawed at the material and dropped it to the water with a small splash.
“Are you looking forward toyourdeath?”
“Of course not. That’s my point, though. I’m here alone, Helen. Why not talk to me? I could be your best chance of survival.”
“You think I don’t know where your loyalties lie?”
“You’d have to be pretty fucking stupid not to know that,” I said with a small shrug. “But, at this point, what do you have to lose?”
Helen studied me over her shoulder. “What do you want to know?”
“Mostly, how the hell you’re taking this so well and not freaking the fuck out.”
“You mean you haven’t figured it out?”
I shook my head again, and she drew in a long breath, seeming unsure and reluctant.
“You of all people should know why. I married a bastard, Jon...” She sighed again and fell into a conversational tone. “Jon was young and gorgeous when I met him. He’d just started his corrections job, and he was cocky, but he still had a sweet, adoring side to him I couldn’t resist. For the first year we were together, he would look at me with those brooding eyes and tell me that I was out of his league, that he didn’t deserve me, that I was beyond perfect.” Helen looked over atme. “It was hard to resist that level of adoration, you know? When he knocked me up accidentally, his immediate response was to ask me to marry him. I wasn’t sure if it was the right thing for us, but he begged me, and I finally broke down. So, we went through with the big white wedding before I started to show everyone I was pregnant. The moment the ‘I dos’ were over, that was when the sweet Jon fucked off and left me with a bitter, jealous, power-hungry asshole who had become my husband. He always had to know where I was, what I was doing. The control and power were always his, and he thrived off it. It’s hard to love a man like that, so brutal and controlling, but in the beginning, you do. You blame yourself. The first time a guy hit on me after giving birth, Jon lost his shit. He accused me of instigating the flirting, and when I argued back, he smacked me. It was only an open palm across the face, but it was enough to get my attention. Then it was too late for me to walk away from him and our marriage. I was in too deep, and he was in law enforcement—a brethren you can’t infiltrate or break, no matter how fucked up that brotherhood is. The abuse got worse over the years. He would beat me until I couldn’t feel my body, then cry about what he’d done once he had to look at the mess he’d left behind, promising it would never happen again. It always happened again. The makeup sex almost seemed worth the pain at first. I know you get that.”
Helen bounced her eyebrows suggestively like I knew what the fuck she was talking about. I wasn’t sure how she’d made that leap, and when she looked at me for confirmation of some sort, I just shook my head. If she expected me to relate to her on that level, she was more than mistaken. Drew was a hard man, but I’d never once been afraid of him. Notfor a second. I kept my face blank and just stared at her, my curiosity not allowing me to contradict her because I wanted to keep her talking.
It didn’t take her long. She seemed nonplussed at my lack of confirmation like she’d already made up her mind. Like she knew who Drew was and what he was capable of.
“The first time Jon broke a bone, I think he scared himself more than he scared me, but that was my breaking point. I was done. I wanted out. I needed out. I had my two girls by then, and I wasn’t going to let them bear witness to the shit show Jon insisted on performing almost nightly. I needed those girls to know that abuse wasn’t okay. Women weren’t just punching bags for men when they had a bad day. So I tried to leave.”
I could hear that it didn’t end well in the tone of her voice.
“How bad was it?” I asked, leaning forward, my arms resting on my knees.
“He damn near killed me. It was then that I started having my mom take the girls on vacation more often. I suggested they go to some fancy school we really couldn’t afford halfway across the country, which, thankfully, Jon agreed to. God, when the girls started dating, I was the one who had to hide that shit from their father. Life got both better and worse once they went to college. Worse regarding the abuse, but better because they didn’t have to see that shit, and I didn’t have to hide it. I didn’t have to smile through the pain like I wasn’t broken from the inside out. Life hasn’t been good for me since I met that bastard. It’s been worse since the girls left. So, when Drew stormed in and wanted to kill me with the same rage Jon had always shown, I thought I was going to be finally set free. There was a brief moment of calm before I decided not to die quietly. I still have my girls to think about,after all.” She paused again and met my eyes. “I’m grateful that I’m not dead, and in a fucked up way, I have been set free from the prison of my marriage. Even this,” she said, lifting the arm with a bullet hole in it, “is an improvement to my fucking life with my husband.”
“Drew is nothing like Jon Taylor.” My voice was filled with conviction and vehemence. Drew’s violence came to those who threatened to destroy the people he loved. I never once had to think about how he would react if I did something he didn’t like. He may get pissed, but I usually got pissed right back. That was what happened in relationships. Never once had I ever so much as considered he would turn that anger on me in the way Jon had done to Helen. “Nothing like him.”
“I’m starting to see that. That man hates with a passion that burns him from the inside out. You can’t deny that, but just one minute of seeing him with you, and I know he loves with just as much passion. He would rather protect you than hurt you. That doesn’t take away from the truth of all this, though, and that’s that hard men make it impossible to love them.” She laughed bitterly. “You know, I’ve been waiting for this.” She waved around the small bathroom. “With the amount of shit Jon pulls with those men under his care in that prison, I actually expected this to happen a lot sooner. I even got used to the idea. On truly bad days, I longed for someone to come and kidnap me.”
“The weak link,” I mumbled under my breath, pressing my back against the wall so I could feel the gun pressing into my spine. I refused to think of myself that way now. I wasn’t going to be a tool used against Drew and the club, and this time I damn well meant it.
“What’s that?” she asked.
“Drew wants to hurt Jon, he wants him to suffer.” I paused and met Helen’s eyes. “He thought you were his weak link. He thought your death would be enough but...”
Helen smiled at me, a shrewd look in her eyes. “Clever girl. Taking me away was never the way to get in Jon’s head and really fuck with him. If you want to damage him irreparably, you guys reallydoneed me alive.” She rolled her body in the water, resting an arm over the edge of the tub, pressing her chin into the flesh as she grinned conspiratorially at me.
My mind started working, a slow ticking passing by the despicable thoughts. I could see the retribution in the glint of her eyes as she studied me.
“Help me wash this shit out of my hair, and I’ll tell you everything you need to know. I think I may know a few things The Hounds can’t possibly know about. Things that might help them win the war. But, naturally, I also have a few conditions.”