“No one else knows.” The pause I took was intentional. “Except Eric.”
She nodded her head, a movement that quickly changed to a violent shake. She refused to look at me, just went back to her pacing and mumbling before settling on another question. “Who is she?”
“Does it matter?”
“Of course it matters,” she said, changing course and heading toward me. She met my stare briefly before she stopped at the bottom of the porch steps and closed her worried blue eyes to hide her emotions and disgust. “Who is she?”
“Her name is Helen Taylor. The wife of Jon Taylor. Jon was the prison guard who…” I exhaled heavily, clearing my throat. “He’s an evil fucking asshole. Made my life hell in prison, every single day of it. Gets his kicks out of beating men and using his power to make himself feel invincible. I found out he was the one who took Harry out the day he died.”
Just saying the words stung, but I kept my face stony, trying to control the way the blood rushed in my veins, making my body want to sway forward and chase down more enemies. I couldn’t go anywhere right now though. Ayda needed me to be here, be present, and to explain. Iwantedto explain, to lighten this load in my chest, my heart, my mind.
“I’d have killed him if I could have, but death is too easy for Jon Taylor. He needed to think his wife had died by myhands instead.”
Ayda rocked onto her toes for a moment before seeming to fold in on herself, her body falling into a crouch before she reached for the porch steps and swung to sit on them, her face buried in her hand and her head shaking again.
“This isn’t you. This…” she trailed off and pressed both of her hands to her mouth trying to find what she needed to say. “This is something Cortez would have done, Drew. What the fuck were you thinking?”
I moved forward, sinking down to sit on the top step a couple of spaces behind her. My legs parted, and I dropped my arms to my knees, bringing my hands together as I looked up at the trees all around the safe house.
“This isn’t the me you know, but this is definitely me. This is me before you. Or at least some version of me. The one before you would have killed her without a thought. I almost did, too. I wanted to.” I inhaled a breath that filled up my lungs with as much air as I could hold, pouring all back out in one long stream. “When Harry got arrested and took the fall for my mistakes, the club was vulnerable. That kind of word gets out to other clubs and charters fast. If you knew how many people want my head on a wooden block, and how many of those people want to be the one to break it from my body, you’d understand that I can’t let anyone see us as weak like that. Then when Harry died, given my track record with grief and idiot decisions, The Hounds became weaker. If I hadn’t gone on a warpath, The Hut could be in flames by now. Our yard burned to the ground.” I pressed my lips together, glancing down at my heavy black boots as I rocked them back to rest on the heels. “I’m not saying what I did was right, I’m just telling you that I had to strike, and Helen was an easyfirst target to let people know that no one,no onetakes out a Hound.”
Ayda stayed silent for the longest time. The insects began their song in the absence of our voices as I waited for her to say or do something, but all she was capable of was staring out into the inky darkness of night, one leg rocking back and forth in silent agitation.
For a long time, I wasn’t sure she was going to respond at all, but she moved quickly, a swift half turn of her body shifting her until she was kneeling in front of me, her hands gripping my calves as her red, swollen eyes met mine.
“There’s so much I don’t understand about the club. So much that you’ve hidden from me for my protection. I’ve understood and accepted that blindly because I trust you. I still trust you, Drew, but you have to know what this looks like. You have to see that Helen fucking Taylor is a representation of me. Harry–” She paused at the name and swallowed. “Retaliation for Harryhadto happen, that’s something I understand, but what I don’t understand is the message you’re sending with her. The weakest link, the vulnerability.”
“Don’t you see? That’s the whole point,” I said so quietly, it was barely a whisper. I leaned forward, my hands still hanging between us. “My message was loud and clear. I’m done. Morals, code, and all the things that men out there expect us to stick to, they were off limits the second they took Harry. I’d already lost Pete. I did the right thing. I stayed away, did my time, let the club heal. No way can I do that again for Harry, and fuck if I was ever going to. If anyone comes after my club now, they need to think that I’ll go after their women the same way they came after mine.” I dragged my bottom lip through my teeth, nostrils flaring as I tried tostay in calm. “Sometimes you have to be the one to go after people before they come after you. I’m sick of being hunted, Ayda. Sick of losing those I love. I needed them to think Helen was dead.”
Understanding and compassion filled Ayda’s eyes but didn’t completely chase away the hard edge of disgust that lingered there. Reaching out, she cupped my cheek in her cool hand and watched me, holding my eyes as the next question came.
“Why didn’t you tell anyone? I could have helped. Jedd could have helped, Kenny, Slater, Deeks, Moose… they all have your back.”
I shook my head, looking over hers and staring into nothing again. “Just didn’t feel right them knowing and you not. I don’twantto keep things from you. That doesn’t mean I don’t have to. The less you know, the better sometimes. Same for the guys. This crown gets heavy for a reason, baby.” I smirked awkwardly, not feeling smug at all.
“No more,” she said, pushing up and easing closer to me. “You’re not carrying a burden like this alone anymore. You want to help me be stronger? Lean on me.”
“Working on it,” I whispered down on her.
Resolution and resolve firmed behind her eyes as she studied me. She wasn’t looking for a lie because she knew she wouldn’t find one. She was looking for an answer to a question she wasn’t going to ask me. Leaning forward, she brushed her lips against mine in the lightest of kisses and bathed me in her breath.
“What do you need from me? What can I do for you or Helen to make this easier?”
“I’m not letting her go. I need you to know that. Not yet.”
Ayda smiled sadly. “I understand that now. She may need a shower though, and I can help her with that.”
“She’s coping well. If she were my old lady, I’d be proud of her. She doesn’t back down. Not even to me.”
“We’re stronger than we realize most of the time,” she said with a small sigh. “You may want to bring her something more than fast food, though.”
My short huff of laughter was cut off by the sound of a familiar engine drawing closer. Ayda glanced over her shoulder, her body tensing just enough for me to notice, but my chin just sank to my chest, the air and hope I’d felt building soon fading away.
“Fuck.”
Ayda mumbled something under her breath but didn’t expand on that line of thought. She turned her gaze back to me, her eyes harder than they had been seconds ago. Her hands were gripping my legs too tightly.
“What’s he doing here?”