“The little shit was running his mouth about crap he couldn't possibly understand. He was saying things about you, Drew, and... He was baiting me, and I took it. I… I lost my temper.”
Continued silence from me—that’s all Tate was getting.
“I'm not looking for this kind of trouble. Honest, A. Its just, since that night at Rusty’s, and then Harry…”
Before he'd died, I hadn't realized Harry had taken Tate under his wing. I hadn't realized he and Drew had been taking turns to teach Tate how to ride a motorcycle. I hadn't known that Harry had been in the process of teaching Tate and Rubin basic mechanics to help keep their bikes in best working order. I hadn't realized that Harry had made as much of an impact on Tate's life as he had mine. That had been selfish of me. I should have been paying more attention. I should have known all of this, and that surge of guilt was one of the reasons I pushed aside any need to discipline him.
“I can't lie, I'm a little bit disappointed, but I'm not mad,” I said with a rush of air. “You have to get control of this anger, though, T. I know I have no right to put this on you, not when you're grieving like the rest of us, but I just need to know I don't have to worry about you.”
He lifted his head and looked down at me, just as I raised mine to meet his.
“I'm not saying get over it. I'm not saying don't grieve. I'm just asking you to be smart about your choices. I'm asking you to come to me if you feel as though it's too much. We're all hurting here, kid. We're all being a little reckless and sensitive, but you're the only one fucking with your future in a way that can't be redeemed. You, of all people, can't afford to keep hiding your sadness in the bottom of a bottle, or pound out your frustrations on your classmates’ faces.”
“I'm sorry.” This time his apology was a little sincerer. “I'll do better.”
“I know you will.”
Tate planted a kiss to the crown of my head before swinging his legs around and hopping down from the railing. He headed toward the doors and stopped after pulling it out of his way, looking over his shoulder at me.
“Thanks, A. I love you.”
“Love you back.”
He walked inside, and when the door swung shut, I heard the catcalls from some of the guys about him being charmed and let off easy. I smiled to myself, genuinely relieved that he found it easy to at least talk to the guys about some of this shit.
Unfortunately, the smile didn't last long. Eric appeared from inside and stepped up beside me, mirroring my pose on the railing.
“That was nice of you,” he said, the gentle lilt of that charming accent popping up in the word nice. “He was worried about how you'd react. I think Kenny won the wager, though.”
“They make bets on pretty much anything, don't they?”
“That's something that's never changed,” he admitted, scratching at his graying stubble. “I think they made a bet on how long Drew would cry after his circumcision when he was born. Anything is fair game with these men.”
I nodded in response and looked down at the railing, my eyes traveling along the wood grain looking for something to hold my attention. My body was still aching, and my head was starting to join in the thrumming throb.
“I'm glad he found you, Ayda.” Eric sounded almost uncomfortable offering me a compliment, but I let him out of an even more awkward exchange by keeping my eyes down. I didn't want him to see the surprise there. “Without you, he'd be lost completely. Harry was always a better father than I was. He loved Drew from the moment he set eyes on him. I loved him; don't ever doubt that. But Drew’s mom used to say if we’d had a girl—”
“I was a daddy's girl,” I admitted out loud as the emotion gathered in my chest. “I miss that connection, so does Tate. He misses our dad, and now he's lost another male figure he looked up to, and there's not a damn thing I can do to stop it.”
Eric knew I wasn't just talking about Tate anymore. That loss I was talking about applied to Drew and the rest of the men, too. I raised my hand to stop him from saying anything. I didn't need to hear his excuses or explanations anymore. They were all in the past. Today was where the issues now lay, and all of my energy was focused on that.
“The past is the past, right?” I said quietly. “What matters is how you deal with what's going on now. Drew trusts you to ride with him, Eric. He trusts you to keep his secrets. All I ask is that you don't let him fall down that hole he's digging. Not deep enough that he can't crawl back out again, anyway.”
I stood up, slapped the rail, and headed into The Hut, ignoring the fact that Tate was trying to hide a shot he'd just taken, or that Kenny was the one holding the bottle. I avoided eye contact with Libby and some of the other girls, and more than anything, I blanked out the looks of concern Slater was shooting my way.
I was through with today.
I needed to sleep more than two hours and hit a reset switch, but only after I’d soaked in the tub for a while to collect my thoughts.
“Ayda?” I startled awake in the tepid water of a long-cooled bath and groaned. I'd fallen asleep in the tub.
Shit.
“Yeah?” I replied. The word came out garbled enough for me to cough and try again. “Yeah?”
“Everything okay?” Jedd asked roughly. “You've been in there for almost two hours.”
“Fell asleep,” I admitted. Stifling a groan as I shifted my aching body. “I'll be out in just a minute.”