“Men like Drew live a certain way, Ayda. They live hard, they all fight, they fuck, and every goddamn one of them makes it as hard as possible for us to love them. They’re ruled by their pride and obligation. They’re loyal to a fault, and they take penance in the form of flesh and blood, and we’re the ones stupid enough to fall for them. When they let you in like Drew let you in, you become something more to them. You become a beacon of hope, a symbol of humanity. For Drew, hurting you would be akin to blasphemy. You mean something to him, even when he doesn’t want you to.”
“So, he sees this, and he’s going to make excuses to distance himself from me even further?”
Autumn looked out across the line of trees that cradled her house, and she sipped the iced tea she’d replaced our coffees with. There were times when I wondered if she’d gone through some of these things with Deeks. He may have seemed like a cuddly bear to me, but had he been that way when he was younger? Or had he also been a man living on a knife’s edge, never knowing what side of the law or his anger he was going to fall on?
“I can’t answer for Drew, sweetheart. That boy is the only one who knows how he will react to any given situation. From what Deeks has said, he’s never really done well with grief. Harry was always due north for him, I suppose, and now he’s lost that.”
“We’ve all lost that,” I admitted.
“Throw Eric in the mix…”
“Jesus.” I finished.
“I don’t think Eric means any harm,” Autumn said quietly, raising her hands in defense when I looked over at her. “I don’t like him all that much either, sugar. He was a good president for the club in his time, but he messed up, and he gave it all up. I don’t think he wants the club back, and I don’t believe he’s back here because Harry wrote him a letter. I think Eric is back for Eric problems. We may never know what those problems are, or they could land in our laps at any moment, but all you have to do is back Drew up like you are doing.”
“I don’t trust Eric. Sutton doesn’t seem to like him much, either. Drew… It’s his dad, so I can’t voice my concerns, and he doesn’t talk much about him. They were riding together at like three in the morning. Alone.”Covered in blood, I finished in my head, not wanting to betray Drew.
“Eric knew how much Harry meant to—”
“It’s not that kind of support. I think he’s encouraging him with retribution. I’m worried that… I’m worried that Eric could start a war if he pushes Drew after the Navs.”
“You just have to trust Drew to be smarter than that.”
“I do.”
“You just don’t trust Eric?”
“I’m a terrible fiancée.”
“Because you hate your soon-to-be father-in-law? Oh, honey, if that made you a bad person, we’d all go to Hell in a handbasket. Ask me about Deeks’ momma one day. I have stories that would turn your hair gray.” She picked up her braid and laughed at it. “That woman thought she was the damn queen of Texas. I suspect she was one of the causes of my jail visits. She hated me, and she hated that Deeksdefended me.”
“Did he tell you that?”
“Nope, his little sister did.”
“Deeks has a sister?”
“He does. Silvie lives somewhere up in Montana. She was never into Harleys. Horses were more her speed. She married a rancher and now has one of the most awarded thoroughbred ranches in the country. She gave us The Well Runs Deep.”
“Wells?”
“That’s just a nickname, sugar. My point is, you’re marrying Drew, not his dad, or the club.”
I gave her an incredulous look that made her smile.
“Okay, so you’re definitely marrying the damn club. It’s a good job you love those boys.”
We sipped our tea for a while in companionable silence and watched the horses run in the paddock, my eyes on the chestnut horse that seemed to prance more now that I knew she had an official title.
Talking to Autumn had helped. I had come to find some kind of peace with what happened between Drew and I the night before. The bruises would fade and become memories, and I would be left to remember the brutality that still felt so sensual and intimate to me. I was still concerned that he was heading for a complete derailment, and though it scared me, I was far more confident that I wouldn’t lose him forever. I just had to swallow all of these feelings and be his strength for him.
I could do that.
Until the next time I needed a pep talk.
“How’s Tate doing?” Autumn asked out of the blue, forcing me to groan. “That bad?”
I placed the tea on the table next to me, lifting my knee onto the swing so I could turn to face her. “Don’t even get me started.”