And then what? Apologize? I did nothing wrong. He certainly wouldn’t, so sure of himself and his imperious decisions.
But there was no denying the force of those memories. The heat of his hands, the pressure of his lips all over. There was no denying I wanted him, even through my anger. Anger that I didn’t want to let go of, despite it fading fast.
Why the hell did he have to tell everyone in the office like that? He was right that it made things easier now that I was staying in his house. But it was going to make things so much harder when it ended.
“We’re married. We’re staying married.”
His voice echoed in my mind as clearly as when he said those words. Decreed them as the truth. Even his family thought it was real. Or else they were in on it. They seemed way too nice for something like that. I had truly liked them. Just like I truly liked Rurik.
Most of the time.
When he wasn’t secretly arranging a marriage. Who did something like that? It was controlling, the thing I hated most. It should make my skin crawl. It should remind me of…
Stop. Don’t go down that path on memory lane.
If I was determined to think of uncomfortable memories, it was better to focus on last night. Not so uncomfortable, really. Not at all. My hand shook, and I dropped the lip gloss I was inspecting, or trying to inspect, if I could focus on something other than Rurik for five seconds.
When I picked it up and replaced it, someone brushed past me with a tantrumming toddler in her wake, making me jump out of the way. She apologized as she hurried to get herkid out of the store before he really started screaming, and as I watched her, I caught a glimpse of a man jumping out of view behind a display of hair treatments.
My blood froze, my mind stopped working. It wasn’t possible. But it looked so much like him. The way he stood, the clothes he wore. Same height, same build, same scruffy hair peeking out from the ever-present hoodie. My breath wheezed out of me once I realized I was holding it, and I had crushed the lip gloss packaging in my hand from my muscles involuntarily tightening.
Heart thudding in my throat, my instinct was to run. Tear out of the packed store and keep going until I reach the car, half a block away.
It couldn’t be him. I was all the way across the country, and I’d been careful not to leave any breadcrumbs along the way. I was using a different last name—a doubly different one now that I was going by Fokin.
“It’s not him,” I whispered, smoothing out the lip gloss and hanging it back on the rack with shaking hands.
It couldn’t be him. I was just freaking out, like I often did when I was out on my own in large crowds of strangers. Always looking around, staying on high alert. But this was the first time I saw him. It was nearly impossible to take a step, my head jerking left and right and craning to see behind me as I made my way toward the front of the store.
If Rurik were with me, I’d have nothing to fear. He was huge, possessive, the things that had made me run from him were the very things I longed for now. He wasn’t with me. I was alone. And the front exit seemed half a mile away. The brightly lit store suddenly seemed three shades darker, and every face Isearched as I passed them no longer merely seemed harried or curious, but sinister and mean.
Therapy might have helped to keep me from these panic attacks, but who could afford that? All I could do was calm myself down like I always did, get out, get back in the car, and… then what? Where did I go? Where did I belong? Where would I be safe?
Big hands reached for me as soon as I was out on the sidewalk. I yelped but bit it back when I realized it was Rurik. Tall and strong and looming over me like a guardian angel with a concerned look on his face at my clear distress. He was really there. I wasn’t imagining it. I hadn’t conjured him up in my fear of being alone when monsters dressed as humans were casually perusing the city’s shops.
Relief flooded me. Even if I was imagining my ex, and I surely had to be, Rurik was there now. He looked sheepish as he steadied me. It seemed like I had been inching along, but in reality, I had flown out of the store. And what was he doing here? Remembering I should be mad at him, I considered accusing him of following me.
He jumped in before I could. “I was worried since you were so upset.”
He pointed to his car, parked illegally on the curb. It was almost sweet that he was more concerned about me than getting a ticket. A parking ticket would send some men into a blind rage. Rurik wouldn’t give a shit even if he wasn’t parking illegally for a noble purpose.
“I parked over there,” I said, pointing down the block.
As I looked in that direction, the same man who’d sent me spiraling in the store came out and hurried around the corner, out of view in less than ten seconds. His build, the wayhe walked, that damn hoodie. How was it possible? It was all so similar, my heart began to thump in double time again.
Rurik was holding the car door open for me, saying something about sending someone to pick up the one I drove. I could hardly hear him over the panic coursing through my veins and jumped in, forgetting everything except getting away from that apparition.
As soon as the car door clicked shut and Rurik slid into the driver’s seat, the panic receded. My heart rate returned to normal. I was safe.
“Are you okay?” he asked.
Turning away, I caught my haunted reflection in the side window. I was as white as a sheet. Leaning against it, I nodded wearily. “Sorry to—”
“Don’t apologize,” he said. “There’s nothing to apologize for. Let’s get something to eat and go home.”
I nodded again, and when he reached for my hand, I didn’t pull away. My feelings were still jumbled, but there was one thing I was certain about. This was where I needed to be. He might have just been a rich businessman, but I would have liked to see anyone try to cross Rurik Fokin.
Turning to him at the next red light, I managed a smile. He could have been as angry at me as I was at him when I stormed out, but instead of chasing me down to berate me, or worse, he had been worried. He showed up exactly when I needed him.